31

Turning 31 sure has been a lot harder for me than turning 30. I think just adding that extra year has given me a midwestern reality check. I have overwhelmingly become very tired of being single. My thoughts consume my time, even spent with people. They bounce from one extreme to another. Either I'm thinking that I need to settle or that I will just be eternally single (I sometimes refer to this as frigid).
I am well aware of everyones answers and cooing responses. But they make no difference. I am still consumed, worried, in fear of, sick with......

I've never really felt this ultimate before. Which is where the 31 comes into play. I feel like now I have to choose whether to decide that being single for the rest of my life is okay and move on like that, or decide whether I have to do whatever, even settling, to be 'married'. It's not like the final goal is marriage - I don't need all the hoopla, but my final goal would be to find a mate, someone who loves me for who I am and that I can do that in return. More of a partner in crime for life kinda thing than a ring on my finger (although i want one of those too).

The other thing I've noticed is that I'm not dealing well with rejection. I am usually all right with this - it's okay to not get what I want. Sometimes I just can't have it and I'm usually very understanding about it. But lately, it's really sucked. I can't get over it very fast, I think about more than I should, I get mad at the person rejecting me.... And for the most part, I feel this everyday - not healthy. I dislike it when things make sense in your head and work out when you think them out and then in real life the other person comes in and messes it up. (pretty immature, aren't I?)

Oh well....just had all these consuming thoughts and figured maybe writing them out would help.

Chivalry, it's not dead?

The first observation about Mexico I had was it's gorgeous landscape and perfect climate. The second was how accomodating and chivalrous the men were. They would stand up on the bus so the women could sit down. I never saw a woman holding a child there, the man held the child. The men were also very respectful of women and would only talk to you if you talked to them. They also were not rude - didn't hit on strangers or cat call.
Here's a story for you. One night we were out on the town and walked down the board walk to a bridge that went over to another part of the town where there were bars, etc. So we went over the bridge and ended up at a bar called, Burro Bar. The tables sat right on the sand and the ocean was maybe 30 feet away. It was a beautiful night. All 6 of us were sitting there enjoying cervesas and some singing Mexican Elvis (who didn't really know many Elvis songs at all). A guy comes up from the beach and starts talking to us. Speaks Spanish, looks American but says that he is in some kind of program in Guadelajara for International Business. The kid looks torn up. Says he's 21 or 20 (don't remember, could have been 23). His shirt is torn and he is dirty. He's pleasant and nice UNTIL he starts asking about molta/molto? which is weed in Mexico. Then we're like, you need to get out of here. He starts escalating and won't stop, getting mad, calling people names, saying inappropriate things. (I am not sure where the waiter was when all this happened, he came over in the end of it) The waiter comes over as the guy is leaving and is like, "what is going on? I thought he was a friend of yours." (the kid was white, we were white...). Anyway, needless to say, this is the only time something like this happened. And unfortunately, it's not exactly the same, but the same kind of crap anyone can experience in a bar on any given day here in America. I don't go to Westport (young kc hangout) or to some drink fest without knowing that there will be some sort of conflict between someone. And 95% of the time there is, be it a bar fight or words over politics - one cannot go many places in America without encoutering conflict.
What would it be like if America were more respectful of each other and chilvalry wasn't dead? Think of the impact it would make on our youth.

Tagged by Kodi - my reply

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes, the smellier the better.

2. Favorite Food? Mexican, chicken nachos

3. Do you own a gun? No, but the last owner of my house left one so incidentally I have some old rifle in my house...

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I don't really go to Sonic

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? not really, unless it's a specialist or there is something seriously wrong with me.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like all beef hotdogs, preferably kosher and also turkey dogs. I like to eat the cheap ones (of which I am unsure of the ingredients) right out of the fridge cold. (that's a secret, don't tell anyone)

7. Favorite Christmas song? ?? I like them all

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? I enjoy a coffee, or instant breakfast.

9. Can you do push ups? Maybe one. I need to do many more.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? earrings I got from my parents one christmas.

11. Favorite hobby? ??? Not sure I even have one anymore - traveling, experiencing new beers.

12. Do you have A.D.D.? Absolutely not, and neither do you (anyone that reads this).

13. What is one trait that you hate about yourself? My inability to stop.

14. Middle name? Lynne

15. Name 3 thoughts at this moment.
a. I wish it was still spring break and I was still in Mexico.
b. I have too much to do to fill this out, yet I still feel the need to keep filling it out
c. My back tension that I had yesterday has now moved up to my neck.

16. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU DRINK REGULAR? water, beer, milk

17. CURRENT WORRY RIGHT NOW? not getting my work done because I'm filling out this survey.

18. CURRENT HATE RIGHT NOW? working two jobs, being single

19. Favorite place to be? In bed. or with friends

20. How did you bring in the New Year? in New Orleans!!

21. Like to go? I always seem to be, so I must like it.

22. Name three people who will complete this first? I'm not tagging anyone - unless Alicia has extra time to waste away...then I say do it.

24. What color shirt are you wearing? greenish/brownish button up

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I've ever tried them out.

26. Can you whistle? Sometimes.

27. Favorite color? yellow, pink, bright beautiful colors

28. WOULD YOU BE A PIRATE? Aaarg, I am a pirate, matey. Shiver me timbers.

29. WHAT SONGS DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Bon Jovi

30. Favorite Russian Chauffeurs name? I don't know any Russian Chauffeurs.

31. Favorite boy's name? Zachary

32. What's in your pocket right now? nothing in my pocket

33. Last thing that made you laugh? my students

34. Best bed sheets as a child? Snoopy

35. Worst injury you've ever had?? hmmm....I guess when I was 5 I crushed my right pinkie finger (broke in 11 places)...

36. Do you love where you live? Yes, I love my house.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2

38. Who is your loudest friend? Natalie

39. How many pets do you have? 1 dog, 1 cat, and 1 gerbil

40. Does someone have a crush on you? No, but they all should.

41. What is your favorite book? Anything by Jodi Picoult (I agree Kodi) and really any book a friend says, here read this.

42. What is your favorite candy? m & m's

43. Favorite Sports Team? Chiefs, Royals - I'm a hometown girl.

44. What were you doing 12 AM last night? getting into bed.

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? It's already time to get up....

Spring Break 2008 - Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

It sucked. JUST KIDDING! It was awesome, and I have all the pics to prove it. It was very beautiful. The weather was perfect. I relaxed and laid on the beach like it was my job! It was absolutely the vacation I was looking for. I don't think my words can do it justice, so here's the vaca in pics:



We got checked into our hotel and this was the view that was waiting for us. I thought I was in heaven.


The first night we ate at a beautiful Mexican restaurant and incidentally it was the only one we ate at that had a Mariachi band. I loved it.


Full group pic.


Did you know they don't celebrate St. Paddy's in Mexico??? I really thought it was a world wide event, but evidently not. The attention was nice though.


If you look closely - in the middle of the picture - there is a lizard, native to the area. It was huge and a treat to see it in it's habitat rather than the zoo or on nat geo.



This is the Marina. Lots of VERY EXPENSIVE boats (like yachts) housed here. Also, lots of nice restaurants. All the housing in this area is generally owned by outsiders (rich Americans).


This was the group that went on what become our best night out. We just walked over to the Marina and ate at a place called Fajita Banana (which had my fav dish - molcajete). We just had wanted to go out to eat, but ended up drinking mucho cervesas and trashed. It was a really funny and loud night. We truly showed our American side that night.



This is what our place looked like that we sat at everyday. I would lay on one of those green chairs and just chill. It was so nice. Doesn't it look tropical? Like something out of an add!


This was our view everyday on the beach. I was actually laying on my green chair when I took the picture. I just pretty much read, dozed, and people watched the entire day long. On occasion we'd drink a beer or a fruity drink and then lay down for a few more hours. Sometimes it would get hot and we'd have to get up and go to the pool for a quick dip, then back down to lay in the sun.


Me in the ocean.


Peeking out of the native foliage.


My birthday drink. (only one?? well...it was our last night and mis amigas were tired)


The final sunset.









I have a few more subjects about Mexico that I'm going to cover in other blogs, but for now - there is your picture montage of my vacation. Enjoy! I wished you were all there.

Tapping the firkin

Here I am starting my spring break by tapping the Firkin Keg at 75th St. Brewery! Thank you Cris (and Mary for coming up with the idea)!!!! It was all I talked about all day! And it proved to be everything I thought it would be. My parents even came out for the event. It was an awesome time. I'll tap the firkin every time!

Happy Spring! (St. Patty's, My birthday, and Happy Easter!) Be safe, have fun.

tapping the firkin

Firkin:
A Firkin is an old English unit of volume. The name is derived from the Middle Dutch word vierdekijn, which means fourth, i.e. a fourth of a full-size barrel.

For beer and ale a firkin is equal to nine imperial gallons or a quarter of a barrel (40.91481 litres). Casks in this size (themselves called firkins) are the most common container for cask ale.

So now that you have educated yourself on what a firkin is, let me tell you the most exciting news. First some background - every so often on fridays 75th St. Brewery has a firkin keg. And also remember that one of the brewers is Mary's husband and also a good friend of mine. Anyway - I think I have it set up so that I can tap the Firkin Keg tonight at 75th St. For no reason at all this makes me VERY excited. I'm really excited for the photo opportunities of me tapping a Firkin Keg.

I'll be doing it around 5:30-6 if anyone wants to come to this momentous occasion.

Viva la Mexico

I'm getting gosh darn excited about this trip. The best aspect of it is not the traveling out of town or the friends I'll be with, but the 7 days without working. Many of you know I work my full time and the do the part time at the salon. I work usually 6 full days a week. It all wears on a person and by right now, I am ready to just not work. I think I'd be just as happy to stay home for this next week and lay in bed all day as I am getting out of the states. Funny isn't it.

Many people are envious of my life style, and well they should be. As a single person I get to do, go and be whenever I want. I control my money and my spending. I also get to be spontaneous. And I love it. I have absolutely no complaints. However, I think it's important for you to know that I am also envious of you, of your partnership with someone. Of your ability to make decisions with someone. Always having someone there. Having a 2 paycheck family (while I know it's not enough, ever - it'd be much nicer to have two than 1). So, as far as I'm concerned we are all even. You are envious of my single rock-n-roll lifestyle, and I am envious of your co-habitating kids eat free lifestyle.

That being said - I have 43 hours till I get on a plane and sit on a beach for an entire week.

wishing the week away

I cannot wait for this week to be over. Too much working going on. But I certainly will make up for it next week!
I've been boning up on my spanish, here's a lesson for you:

Una cerveza por favor. Another beer please.
Donde esta al bano? Where is the bathroom.
Vamos a la playa! Let's go to the beach.
Hace calor. It is very hot.
Te gusta bilar? Do you like to dance?
Me llamo Bonita. My name is Bonita.
Te llamo? What is your name?
Como estas? How are you?
Asi Asi. Okay.
Como caca. Eat shit.


I figure I really only need the first two....I'll give you more lessons later. I'm sure I'll be proficient by the time I get back. I'm muy excited!

Puerto Vallarta

By now, you know that I'm traveling in less than a week to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
This is where I am staying. It's less than a week now and I am stoked to go. I can't wait to just lay on the beach, read books, and have a good time with my work friends. I love that it's all girls. I've been a little nervous about going for a an entire week, but to be honest, I probably need it. I need to be away and not stressed for a period of time. I will of course have a camera and take a lot of pics to post on here.

I will be leaving on the 15th and returning the 22nd. I will miss St. Patty's day in the states as well as my 'real' birthday. But there will be time for birthday celebration when I return. And I'm hoping that there is a little green beer in Mexico. Regardless, there will be beer - and I will be celebrating the Irish while I'm there. It would be unAmerican not to. :)

More posts to come - people have been asking, so I wanted to give you a little of what I know.

Temperatures in Puerto Vallarta

Yes, I will be in Puerto Vallarta from March 15 through the 22nd. This is my spring break. A girl from my work has a condo down there and she asked in October if it was something I wanted to do. I was like, "yes!" without even thinking. And so here we are - 6 girls + 1 condo + a mexican vacation = a good time!

I wanted to rub it in about the weather - here's the temps while I'm in mexico:

High /
Low (°F) Precip. %
Today
Mar 04 Mostly Sunny 77°/59° 0 %
Wed
Mar 05 Mostly Sunny 79°/60° 20 %
Thu
Mar 06 Mostly Sunny 78°/58° 20 %
Fri
Mar 07 Mostly Sunny 78°/58° 20 %
Sat
Mar 08 Mostly Sunny 78°/58° 0 %
Sun
Mar 09 Mostly Sunny 79°/59° 10 %
Mon
Mar 10 Partly Cloudy 80°/59° 10 %
Tue
Mar 11 Sunny 79°/58° 0 %
Wed
Mar 12 Sunny 79°/59° 0 %
Thu
Mar 13 Sunny 78°/60° 0 %


Teee Heee! I can't wait!

YES!

I can actually get on this site during work hours!! Hooray! I haven't been able to, but something must have compromised our firewall today and I can.

I have two poems to share with you. Both are written by students in my class and both are about me! They are precious. OH, both are 6th graders if that is something you want to know.

--> This one is a haiku. It was quite amazing - the student wrote it first using 6 syllables, 9 syllables, 6 syllables and then edited it to make it the normal 5-7-5

Pretty Woman

Woman small and sweet
She is vary nice to me
Name is Bonnie Steen


--> This one is a narrative poem. Ms. Green is my para. This kid is really smart and excells in reading/comm. arts.

My Evil Teacher


Ms. Steen is a weird teacher,
A mad dog,
some kind of creature.

She looks at me
and her eye starts twitchen’
After that she starts itchen’.

Her veins pop out and burst in her skin
Then she looks at me with that evil grin.

That is about the time I start to run,
So watch when she gets that look you know she is having fun,
And that is why Ms. Green is my hunny bunn.

Tagged

I was tagged with this memo, "write 15 things you wish you could say to 15 people that you know you would never tell them anyway. Don't explain who the person is. Just write what you want to say to them.. Then tag 5 other people. But the tag has to be a secret, so send them a message on myspace and don't reveal who tagged you."

I apologize for the vivid and ignorant language. But it's what I wish I could say.


1. Why don't you just do your fing job?
2. I quit.
3. You are a dear friend, and I like working with you - but when you drink you become stupid, annoying, and a baby. I don't like that. I don't want to have to put up with you when you are drinking.
4. How come when someone becomes administration, they also become a stupid moron?
5. You are lying. I know you are lying. Why would you say that out in public when all I want to do is rat you out to everyone?
6. You are the most amazing man, and I believe you can do anything you set your mind to doing. You would probably surprise yourself at the things you can accomplish if you weren't so lazy.
7. I think it is rare to find a friend and know that they will be your everday friend for life and that will never change. Thank you for being my everyday all the time bestest. Our friendship means more than words to me, and I know you feel the same.
8. Learn to speak in public situations, just reading the slide is not good enough - I need to know that YOU know what YOU are talking about.
9. I can't go out tonight.
10. Your opinion doesn't mean anything to me because I am still going to do it the way I want to.
11. I can't stand you.
12. You are a manipulative son of a b and I hope someday you see that. I hope you never get married or have children because you would do horrible at both. And you are not as good looking as you think you are.
13. Marriage does change people - it has changed you.
14. I am sorry.
15. I love you.

The Mall

I was at the mall last week - the first time in over a year. I had to pick up my glasses, but I thought since I had my trip coming up I would peruse the shops and see what was hip. I had walked through almost every store and most of the department stores. There was a lumpy feeling in my throat - a nauseous feeling. The clothes out are hideous, not only in color and pattern- but also in style. And to boot, I was outraged with the prices of things. During my stroll in the last department store - I called Mary (felt like I had to). I think I was going to have a panic attack. I realized at that moment that I was old. Out of style. I shop at about 5 stores. That's it. And I don't think it's the old part that is the problem - it's the fact that I always told myself I would stay hip - you know, dress/music etc. And I've done neither. I do try to listen to some new music - but it's indie,folk, local, or what I like. It was a realization that I am okay with having. It was weird. And I am going to honestly try to go to the mall more often and just walk around so it won't be so shocking next time.

Be Kind, Rewind

Be Kind, Rewind

The trailer doesn't do it justice. It's a really decent film, with good messages. I really enjoyed it.

They remake movies and call them 'sweded'. I just wanted to show you my 'sweded' movie.

Enter fate...

So after I applied for the self-contained position that I wanted in the Blue Springs District, I did some digging. I looked at pay scales and such and realized that I am going to have to take a pay cut any where I go. I also sat and thought, 'what do I really want?' I was kinda thinking maybe I didn't want to teach self-contained anything. I'd like to have a variety of students and do resource or class within a class kind of teaching. It would be a nice change and I could really make a difference. AND then I got an email from Blue Springs saying the position had already been filled. AND then I got a message from a co-worker saying that they are almost 100% positive they are doing away with my position at the school next year (doesn't mean I'm out of a job - don't get crazy!!). So, what this all means is that I might get to push for whatever kind of job I want next year. I know I want to keep my pay check. AND I know that I want to be able to move around a little, rather than be tied down in my classroom with the same kids. I want to be able to enforce behavior plans in the regular classroom and I want to help kids in a one on one-three setting. Finally - something that I can say to someone when they say, well what can I do for you or how can I help you or what do you want to do. AND on the 10th of March we have a planning meeting for next year where I can totally be like, AND this is what I want to do - how do we fit that in. :D Amazing how fate steps in and works it all out.

Sigh *of relief*

Sunshine is good for my soul too

So is warmth. Bring it on, spring....

Good thoughts: 2 weeks and 4 days till I got to Mexico. This also means, my birthday is just a little over 3 weeks away. All very exciting things to look forward to.
I think we have another person joining us which will only add to the trip, and make it cheaper for groceries.

I hope everyone is staying well. I seem to be feeling much better these days.

I have a community band concert on Sunday at 3:00 at the Platte City High School Auditorium. It's not going to be a great concert (meaning, I don't have any solos), but if you like band music - it'll be good. We are pairing with another community band - from the way Mr. Sergel (my director) talks about it - they might be an 'older' band.

My student gave me another treat today at lunch. She gave me an apple all wrapped up in a paper towel which was then wrapped up in saran wrap (I have no idea where she got that...). It was an interesting looking gift. Anyhow. I haven't been eating anything the kids give me. It's bad enough that I eat lunch in my room with the stink and the germs.

Great-full

I'm grateful for new glasses coming. It's probably time to change my contacts, but I am awaiting my new glasses, so when I get home for the night, I can just put them on and let my eyeballs breath.

I'm also grateful for a past principal which agreed to be a reference. It was the last reference I was looking for and so my application can be complete. I will be putting out applications and waiting for the phone calls. I've definitely decided on Elementary and am reviewing districts pay scales to see who's the highest bidder. Unfortunately - Center is right now, but I do have a lot of experience and am well respected in my trade - soooo....I might be able to get a deal.

Just some updates:
1. I got a key to the salon. So I can now pick up shifts with only one person working.
2. I have not heard from the dr. about all the tests he ordered, but I should sometime this week.

Another Snow Day!

This is unreal! We have another snow day. I can't hardly believe it. Even though I was scheduled to not be at work anyway - it's really nice to know that I would have had a 5 day weekend (except for working all day at the salon on saturday). I got my house cleaned up yesterday. I did the really deep cleaning - not just putting everything up.

It was good to have the day to do that. At this time of year, I think it's really hard to be motivated to do anything. The last two Sunday's I've spent shamelessly in bed. Didn't get up to do anything but go to the bathroom, get some water or milk, and let the dog out. So cleaning house yesterday was not only an emotional relief, but necessary.

Today I am going to venture out. I have a few errands I need to run, and I thought about actually heading down to the symposium I'm supposed to be at so my district doesn't waste $115.

Have a fantastic weekend.

sigh...

Is there ever a time in life where you actually feel like you get ahead or at least clear even? I can see the gains and all the wonderful things I've accomplished - but I do not feel like I'm ahead or even - I feel far behind.

The good moment for the day - my 5:33 AM call for a snow day!! I did already have the day off, but now, I will be stuck in my house and am using the day to clean! I have been so lazy and lethargic lately that I've done nothing. I've even resorted to the wearing of dirty clothes (fluff them in the dryer of course). So anyway - I'm at it. I thought I'd take a minute and check all my stuff - thank god I did. I've got to get my sh-- together! I absolutely love these wake-up calls (sike).

I did go to the dr. but got nothing. They got 8 vials of blood and an ekg. So we'll see from there. I'm not going to post anything about it until I know anything one way or the other.

Hope everyone stays warm today and is safe if you decide to get out!

VD

The clarity worked - and today was possibly the best day I've had at work all year. It felt as if teaching was supposed to feel. I didn't feel terrible, sick, or stressed when I left. It was nice.

Thanks to everyone for the VD messages. (VD is Valentine's day) I sent a few of my own and still have some to give out. Mainly I saved it for my every day peoples. I'm not big onto the whole deal - I like the pretty colors and all the fun candy and cards - but really.....it's a Hallmark Holiday! Nothing important. I do have to thank Brian, my best guy friend, for being my Valentine once again. THANKS! You always save me from sitting at home by myself on this crappy day.
I did really appreciate an email Brian sent - went something like this:
"Happy Singles Awareness Day!" I thought that was genius.

Hope everyone had a wonderful VDay and that if you are coupled you got flowers and the like, and if you're not coupled that you had wonderful friends to share it with and that you didn't sit at home and feel sorry for you singleton self.

Have a great weekend!! TGIF!

clarity

It has become very clear to me that I need to send out more positive messages into the universe. Everything has really not been going my way. I've said it before, I will say it again - When it rains, it pours. And since I have been having a negative attitude, I think it has continued to pour. I've tried to change my thinking to more positive, but something else would happen or I'd lose my patience and bam - back to the negative. So I'm going to try something - I'm going to write about my day and tell what the positive of the negative was. And hopefully it will at least cancel out and the universe will stop pouring on me.

Ran late this morning - just dreading going to school. But I got there only 15 minutes late and then started working the minute I got in. I was able to take care of a kid that I had worried about earlier that morning and so all was good.
Had a rough day. But I did notice that the students really work well on worksheets (I have actually been noticing this). I'm not a worksheet kind of teacher, but I think if it would calm my class down - I would become that teacher for at least the rest of this year. I'll be giving it a try in the next few weeks. Realizing this and accepting this also made me think that my students must like to complete work, but like to have the work/tasks in front of them before they begin. So my checklist on the smartboard isn't enough. I don't think a checklist on their desk would be enough - but I'm going to try. I'll be killing more than a few trees the rest of this year.
I cried twice today - both times just because I break down. And I've noticed that when I do cry (It's quite often lately) my mantra is 'I can't do this'. I don't know if I can change that by the time I get to that point - but I know that it does make me feel better and I always talk myself into knowing that I can and have to do it. I probably need to take more breaks and that way I wouldn't get to that point.
I locked myself out of my house. Didn't freak out - went on to the gym and then to get my hair did. When I got home I didn't worry, I just kicked the door in - see a few weeks ago, somehow, my door frame cracked (weather). And so it was easy. I have Saturday off and will be able to just spend the day figuring out how to fix it.

Now I'm off to eat some dinner and see a concert/show. I hope that the universe sends me something nice. Or at least I've started to change my precipitation problem. It can surely stop raining on me anytime.

Celebrations, Bitching and everything in between

First the good news - with my income tax money I have paid off my Eddie Bauer Credit Card. It's always good to pay something off right. I'll be shredding that card - and not using it ever again. I'm just not fiscally responsible enough.
Also-I go to the specialist next Tuesday. I'm glad it was moved up. Stacy, I just read your comment about black mold - I'm going to look into all that and see how to test for it - just to rule it out. When my house was inspected the guy went everywhere and said there wasn't any problem with mold or carbon dioxide. I'll do my research and then look into it though. At this point, I'll pretty much do anything.
I'm also taking my unhappiness at work into my own hands and finding a new job. I've started applying. I'm hoping to be able to have a new job in place for next year before this year ends.
While all this goodness is fantastic - I'm still in a funk and there seems to be little to get me out of it. I've started back to my old eating habits. I stopped working out as much. I'm definitely not losing weight. And in fact have put on a few of the pounds I've lost (not too many though). I'm finding it really hard to find the want to go to the gym or the self control not to eat whatever I want. I know - that I have to do both in order to lose weight. But after I get done writing this, I'm going to the gym.

I've begun two lists - one on 100 things that I'd like to do and the other on all the things, even small minuscule ones, that I'd like in a man. If you are lucky I'll try and blog them both this week. Thanks to Stacy for the first idea, and Oprah's magazine for the second.

Okay - I'm out like trout to the gym. Have a great week!

Vote!

I know I'm speaking to the choir - but make sure and get out there and vote on SuperTuesday. Let's make sure our votes get expressed - no matter what/who you vote for. I was rather impressed with all the Super Tuesday - get out and vote hoopla during the Superbowl yesterday! It really shows how ready our country is for a leader and a new direction.

And just for fun - a quote: "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

Money, it's a drag...

After this last wonderful weekend with Saturday off, I've decided that I need to not work on Saturday's anymore. This presents a problem because it is now the only day that I work my second job. So - my solution to this is to ask to work during the week and not on Saturday's. If they respond in a negative manner - then my option is to quit and not work a second job. I'll just have to watch the going out and spending. Which can be done, although not easily. And I can always ask around for tutoring jobs and after school care and such. That kind of stuff is just not steady. But maybe if I picked something up every once in a while and watched my money by actually budgeting - then I could truly be successful at not working on Saturdays or having a second job at all.

In conclusion, I would really enjoy not working a 6 day work week. Thank you.

Diagnosis X

What I know:

The doc put me on steroids again methylprednisolone and so the swelling has gone way down. I'm able to do every day stuff without a lot of pain AND I'm not moaning as much. It is my third time being on these steroids so I went to the link above and realized that all the 'prescribed for' are the problems that I've been having. So I some more hope that my doctor knows what he is doing. Also, just for point of clarification - I have seen this particular doctor since I moved back from Cabool in 8th grade. So it's not just some joe schmo HMO.

As perplexing as it seems, what I have symptoms (been having) is some kind of connective tissue disease. However, in September he gave me that run of tests and I came up fine. I'll be going to see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist soon (they didn't answer their phones yesterday so I could make an appointment). I don't think my doctor has nailed it down to just that - but I guess the guy has some experience and will be able to put things together and make some sense of them. After looking at the wiki-pedia about RA, I don't think I have that. There are a slew of other connective tissue diseasesthough, and my guess is that I probably have one of them.

I also think before this is all said and done that I really should go see a allergist and have the big stick test. Just to rule all that out - and to see what I'm allergic too. The other thing that hasn't escaped me is that this all pretty much started when I moved into my house - if we want to connect it to something - it also started the day I started back to school - so we can connect it to that if you want also.

But all this boils down to my symptoms which have been: skin irritation, trouble breathing, inability to fight off cold/bronchitis (may be due to the steroids), swollen joints, and joint stiffness - all at some point in time over the last 6 months.

Now, I'm going to go and enjoy my first Saturday off in a very long time. I'll let you know what I know, when I know it. :)

Doctor, Doctor give me some news....

Well....I'm now on month 6, going into month 7 of having some sort of sickness. First it was the rash on my wrist, then the rash on my legs/arms, then breathing problems, then the normal cold sickness, which then turned into acute asthmatic bronchitis, which went away for a total of 4 days and then came back, I have somewhat gotten rid of the cough, but still am congested at times and Tuesday brought on a whole new symptom that I've never had. It started with feelings of the flu, a fever, and then every joint in my body has swelled to maximum size. Every once in a while it will go down and I will actually be able to see a normal size. This comes with joint stiffness and pain - pain all over. It's all my joints - from my toes, ankle, knees, spine, neck, elbow, wrists, fingers - and it all hurts. So another trip to the doc tomorrow - this time I'm really not leaving until he agrees to either send me to a specialist, or run a load of tests. I just want to rule it all out so I can go on medical diagnosis, or they can use me as a story for House.
I'm all good and sure of getting better until someone brings up yet another disease or virus that it could be. I've heard so many. I've checked the webmd and it comes up with some crazy stuff as well. So - I'm just going to stand strong and make my dr. do something other than just treat the symptom - I really feel the need to find out what's going on, now.
I'm not going to school tomorrow because of the pain and the dr.'s appointment - I've moaned through the last two days. So I won't be going in to get weighed...so I won't have an official loss/gain - but I am going to weigh myself here at home in the morning and try to judge it off that. My scale and the nurses scale at school are off, but it's usually by two pounds so I think I can guesstimate that.

Anyway - prayers people!! I guess my good deeds are not enough.

In da Center...

This is a concern-full blog. I have been having a lot of struggle with my current position in my school district. I am currently teaching a Cross Categorical (many disabilities and levels) room in the middle school. I was hired to teach in their Emotional Disorder classroom - which as I understood it also had a classroom at the elementary and high school - making it somewhat of a district program. After my first year (most of my students were 8th graders) my students moved up to the high school and one by one, almost all of them were placed in outside placements because - they didn't have a self-contained classroom, nor anyone in place to support their needs. Also - the next year, they took my position away (totally, like it didn't exist anymore) and had me teaching something called Curriculum Support. Rather like a study hall for students in special education. Then this year, they gave me back my ED classroom, and when I got the kids, what I realized was it was a cross cat. room. AND what I have since found out is that the way it works in the elementary is that when they have kids that they just can't deal with elsewhere, they stick them in 'this' room - which when they get to middle school is MY room.
I'm not happy teaching cross cat. I would much rather teach curriculum; like reading, or be in a district with an actual ED program.
At this point - there isn't anything for me if I stay, no hope to be doing something I agree with or love. I also am not happy with the Special Education program that they have district wide. I do not think we are capable of serving kids that we should be able to.
I have no idea where I should go from here or if I should. I don't know what district would be better or more suited. I hand picked Center and am disappointed that it did not turn out to be what it was supposed to be. Do I get out and search for that? I'm not even sure if it exists. I just know I have to get away from the cross cat. room - I thought they were leaning away from that in education.
Also, my para put in her 2 weeks today. I'm dreading that. I don't really know who/what they will put in her place. I do know that it will make more work for me. But I also understand how stressful our room is and how she doesn't want to do it anymore. So I gave her my blessing - mostly so she wouldn't feel guilty. Her last day will be a sad day for me. Happy for her though.
I'm not really looking for any answers from my readers - but it's just helpful to get my thoughts out there.

Announcing....

I am finally at the ripe old age of 30 and before I turn 31, retiring from the every Friday afternoon 'Happy Hours' which are actually and usually from 3pm to 3am. Nothing good ever comes of them. I am not enjoying them nor having a good time. Thus the announcement of my retirement.

Thanks to my supporters over the years - may you still know my name and beverage when I walk in the door.
Kennedy's
Corner Cocktail
Johnny's (now Paddy O'Quigley's up north)
Tanner's
and 75th St. Brewery for being the good beer and good food break during the evenings.

Many thanks to all the schools I've working in for supplying me with the want/need to go to happy hour every Friday as well as the friends to go with.

1/25 Biggest Loser

The three day weekend threw me for a loop. I did not exercise as much as normal and I had too many beers over the weekend.

BUT....

I still lost 2 pounds. And so the grand total now is 17 lbs.

summer

I'm ready for summer. That is all.

New $$ Strategy

I'm going to try out a new money strategy for this month (remember I get paid only once a month). Here it is:

1. Only go out one night a week (I'm a normal 2-3 night outer).
2. Only go to Walmart/Target once a month, have a list and go by the list.
3. Start two separate funds, one for traveling and another for the house - pay them first.
4. Continue not to eat out for lunch or dinner (I've been doing this, working well in all ways).


I've started mapping it out and only come across one flaw - there's one week where I have 2 live band events and it's Valentine's weekend in which I like to take myself out - so that is really 3 events. That will be tricky....

Any suggestions or ideas or whatever - give me a post or email. This money stuff is always an on-going thing with me.

Tard Blog #3

This time, I'm the tard. A picture says a thousand words. This is the second day in a row (last friday and today) that I've had to break up a fight. Today though, I did not win.



This is after school - so I've gone all day with kids and stress and only a 20 minute break for lunch. The scratch itself is about 1.5 inches long. This is what happens when you break up a fight from the front, and not the back. Also, this is what happens when the student just keeps going and you are in the direct line of fire.

If you need a closer look:

1/18 - Biggest Loser

I lost 5 more pounds this week - total so far: 15 pounds.

Yay me!

Quote of the week.

'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

Thought this was fitting for my week.

16.

16 Things it took me 50 years to learn

by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark . A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. . . They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Sweet story

Today was not my day. I had at least 30 people asking me to do something. I gave up my plan time to help someone out, unbeknownst that I would have such a bad Monday. By lunch time, I was grumpy and hungry. But without food, because I forgot to bring my lunch today. I don't have any funds to go get something - nor should I because I dived right off the wagon this weekend.
I must have mentioned something about it while I was teaching my class and when I picked them up from lunch one of my sweet girls came running at me. She handed me this little paper holder with cake and 2 chicken nuggets all wrapped in napkins. Then she handed me her juice and said, "There Ms. Steen, I saved some of my lunch for you so you wouldn't be hungry." So sweet I teared up. It was a bright spot in my day.

Autism

I got this on my myspace in bulletin. Thought I would post it on here. I'd like to see more research and support for autism. It's diagnosis is increasing and the spectrum seems to be spreading from very serious (non verbal etc.) to very functional but quirky. It affects me daily, I teach 2 children correctly diagnosed within the autism spectrum, but there are more that are, but are not diagnosed.

AUTISM MOVIE


The band 5 for Fighting is donating 49 cents for every time this video is watched. The proceeds go to fight Autism give it a watch and pass it around.

Biggest Loser

We are doing this weight loss deal at work and every friday we get weighed by the nurse. (She took all our current stuff the friday before last). So Friday was our first weigh in and guess what...I lost 10 pounds. Way cool huh?! I always lose a lot the first week. And then it goes down hill from there.

New Orleans: New Years Eve

I most looked forward to New Years Eve. We got a lay of the French Quarter, and I felt good about seeing other parts of New Orleans (Garden District). I was terribly excited for NYE though. I had a good outfit all picked out. I had bought a shiny pink shirt for $4, and then got another good deal on some shoes $8, and bought some jeans for $30 - it was a great inexpensive outfit! To top it off Celinda bought us boas and the one I ended up with matched perfectly and looked fantastic. Here's some pics of us on Bourbon St. The night went accordingly - to dinner, back to the room to get dressed, out to Molly's on Toulouse, then down to Jackson Square for fireworks and ball dropping, then to some more bars and clubs, then around 3AM we ended up at Cafe Du Monde. It was an entire night of good times. The best NYE I have ever had.


You can have your drinks on the street!! I loved that.


Best friends!!


Eating beignets at Cafe Du Monde.


The crew!

New Years Celebration: New Orleans

It's another really late night. I had to work until 8:30 then come home, eat, workout and return phone calls. I wanted to add some more of my fun trip. Sorry it's coming in such a choppy manner. Photo's then captions.


Jackson Square


Cafe Du Monde - this is where we ate beniets and drank coffee around 4 AM after new years eve


A brass band - we saw a few of these. This one I missed, but Brian got a picture. I was in the bathroom. I think we were around the Market - which was just a really cool outdoor market with lots of 'junk'. I bought an alligator head (small one) as my souvenir and named it Molly after my favorite bar in NO.


From the St. Louis Cemetery #1. Brian took this and then digitized it. I thought it turned out wonderful, beautiful. The tombs above ground were so weird. I was really intrigued to learn that they are all family tombs, and what happens is that after the person decomposes they just kind of push them to the back to make room for the next deceased in the family.


We went on a trolly ride to the Garden District (where all the big beautiful houses are). This is a self taken portrait. I will continue with the Garden District tour tomorrow and will definitely get to the actual New Years Eve photo's I know everyone is waiting for.

New Years Celebration

I found myself in New Orleans for New Years this year. I went with college friends, the same people I normally spend New Years with. It was a destination birthday party. I was really concerned about whether or not it would be a good time. I spoke to many people regarding my feelings. I kind of feel like I've been growing away from some of the people involved. When we all go out, I never get called - they always call Brian and usually Brian calls me to let me know (petty, I know). I just felt kinda out of the loop - also they are all coupled and I'm still single. I think the real deal is probably that they think I'm always busy - which they are pretty right. Plus my bestest is an old friend of the group that was outed a long time ago because for a period of time she had verbal diarrhea and said things aloud that probably didn't need to be said.
ANYWAY - back to New Orleans (NO). It was the best time. I really rocked it out. It was like a well prepared meal - not over done, but not underdone either.
I'm going to post some pictures - I'll put captions underneath. I have other pictures and will post those later. It's getting late, but I wanted to get some pics on here for my mom and others that might not see the pics till later.


Waiting in line at Mother's to get lunch! We had just gotten there.


Me at Muriel's where we went for our nice dinner. It was really wonderful!


There are so many more - I'm overwhelmed and just need to go to bed. I promise to post many more later and tell more stories. It was a really good time and I want to share that with you.

sneak peak

Got some new hair.....

Things I like about Christmas: Santa and presents

I know many of you don't believe in Santa, but he is real and if you believe in him, still at 30, he will bring you what you ask for - or just some really nice things. I was obviously on the good list this year. The picture will speak for itself.



Of course, you've got to have wonderful parents that do 'Santa's' work and still bring their 30 year old daughter presents from Santa. Eric was on the good list this year and got just what he asked for (tools)!

Christmas itself was fantastic. I made two meals - one breakfast (easy), and the second was glazed cornish game hens, braised vegetables, and potatoes a la Jaques Pepin (I might have that name wrong) Anyway - that WAS impressive and very good. I would much rather cook cornish game hen then turkey anyday!! Hint, for next thanksgiving. We played games, we played the Wii that Eric brought. It was a really good two days.

AND I got to see movies: The Dewey Cox Story, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, and Juno. All good and all very different. Can't even say which one I liked the most. I feel like I still have at least 6 more to go see that have come out recently.

Hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and that it found you on the nice list, rather than the naughty list.

Things I like about Christmas: Friends

This week has been packed with Christmas stuff - going to see Manheim Steamroller, going to the Magic of Christmas (kc symphony), and then yesterday spending the whole day with good friends! We went to the Boulevard Brewery and took the tour. It was really cool! After the tour of course, we got to try all the beers. It was excellent. The beers on tap and fresh are so different from the bottled beers. It was a really yummy experience. Here's some pics from that:





Then we went to eat at the Peanut, a local bar with good food. Then we hung around for a bit, went to see the movie Juno - which was cute. I really liked the movie - but with most things I wish I would have known something about it. I didn't really know whether to cry or clutch my ovaries. Overall, it's really, really cute and has the best message about finding someone that just loves you for you.
After the movie, we braved the bad roads once more (did I mention it sleeted and then snowed pretty much all day yesterday) and went to the Brick to see a really good lot of bands. We saw OK Jones (i might be wrong on that name), It's Over!, and ACB's. A REALLY AWESOME show!!!! All very good music. The bar was having a bad holiday sweater party. So I'm including a pic with me of my very ugly holiday sweater. The sweater itself actually was more like a valentine's sweater, but then Mary got at it and we turned it into a chrismassy sweater - just a little hotglue and some ribbon - wa la!

Enjoy! I certainly did!


Pat was pimping it in his very cool Kangol hat, so I had to play along.


BESTEST in their ugly sweaters!

Things I like about Christmas: Lights

I'm really a sucker for Christmas lights. I don't personally put them up - but I really like to go and look at houses. Right now, my favorite lights in KC are this row of houses called The Candy Cane Lane. I took some pics and wanted to share with you. I don't have any of the Plaza lights, which are most famous. I will share those at a later time.

Things I like about Christmas: Family

My brother gets in town tomorrow and for Christmas I bought my family tickets to see Manheim Steamroller. It used to be a family tradition that we would see them in Omaha every year at their Christmas concert on our way up to South Dakota. We have not done that for a long time. And when I heard they were coming here to KC, I thought it would be a great present. I think my family will enjoy it. Both of my parents were very surprised that Eric was going to be up for it (or that I got him to go), so that's an even more special treat.

My family tradition has always been to have Christmas on Christmas Eve. So these days we usually go to Denny's or somewhere that is quick and open, then come home and open presents, hang out etc. I used to go to 11:00pm services at a church, but I haven't done that for a few years. It'll definitely be something I want my kids to enjoy when they are growing up. I loved holding the candle and then when I got older I loved lighting stuff on fire with it.

While it is now a somewhat uneventful season for my family, I do enjoy the time we get to spend together. And since I didn't force anyone to play games because I took a nap, at Thanksgiving, I plan on forcing everyone to play games at Christmas.

Things I like about Christmas: My house

I decided in my last blog to start blogging ideas/pics/whatever that promoted a merry Christmas. So here's my start of all the things I like about Christmas. I decided to start with my house. I don't have a lot of decorations, but I really like the ones I have. Everything has meaning - and so that is what I am sharing with you today.

This first wreath is my attempt to be Martha Stewart. When I was younger I received these silver bells every year. I have like 13 of them and never a clue what to do with - so I decided I would put them on a wreath. I am going to add some simple garland after Christmas when everything is on sale.




This was a very special gift. My friend, Mary, made it for me. The specialness of it is in the garland - it's all wine corks. She's been doing this for a few years. I started my own collection of wine corks a few years ago and I hope to add to the wreath by making my own!




This is a combined pic - my stocking and Maggie's stocking (Maizey doesn't have one yet) and then my table with the new cover that I bought last night at K-mart.




My advent tree! I don't actually put candies in it, but it is fun to move the santa around and watch the time fly.





And finally, I love my hodge-podge tree. All the ornaments, except for the balls, mean something. I've got stories about students or about Girl Scouts. My tree looks a little charlie brown this year, I think a 7.5 footer would be better.

Santa

Christmas is coming and I'm trying to increase the cheer so that it is truly a Merry Christmas. Here's a photo I wanted to share.

RIP

With life comes death. A 15 year old died this weekend, shot in a driveway. No other details, just that he was dead and there wouldn't be a public funeral. He watched his dad die the same way when he was 8. He said many times that he was going to be just like his dad. There were days where he worked hard not to be, then days where he would spiral down to an existence of nothing. He would often go on these power trips where he was invincible - most middle schoolers do - on one of these days he threatened me in a serial killer kind of way. 'So you don't value your life, Ms. Steen' Just an excerpt of our conversation. I thought about that conversation for 24 hours before talking to anyone or reporting it. I reported it, not to save my life, but his. Little did I know - we failed him. He ran away, came back, went to a crappy school for kids with no where to go, ran away, came back, was awaiting someone to teach him homebound. Then he went to a party Saturday night, and was shot, in the head and found on the driveway.
In KC, especially where he was found, with death comes retribution. It will be had in all the wrong ways. I imagine another 15 year old will be shot.
We need to choose another retribution and start actually helping these kids before death happens. We're not doing enough pro-active actions if they are walking into malls and schools and shooting people for no other reason but to make a name for themselves in the end. To draw attention to the nothingness that they have become.
The world is in serious trouble. People need to wake up.

Tis' the Season

I just sat down to read the two blogs that I read on here - and I've missed so much! I won't let it lapse again!

Thanksgiving came and went. I always have high hopes for a holiday filled with family and fun and while I have that, it's never as big of an experience as I want it to be. I'm sure it's that way for everyone in my family though - not just me feeling that. I'm sure it will be different once Eric (my bro) gets out of school. I was very thankful to have the time off! I really needed it.

I'm pretty excited about winter break as well! It's just nice to not have to get up and go to work. It's not my favorite year. It's not really much fun so.....

I am somewhat excited about Christmas. It's kinda depressing at the same time, but I've got such great people around me, it's hard to be depressed all the time. I always have lots to look forward to. Currently I'm looking forward to the following things: Friday - taking the day off or having a snow day, Saturday - strong ale festival, NWMSU bearcats play on ESPN2, New Years in New Orleans, Spring Break in Mexico!

I'm sure there are other things, but those are the events I am most looking forward to right this moment.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone has a fun, safe and family filled Thanksgiving!

Short vent

I have one short vent that I need to get out there. I am really tired of selfish people. I understand we're all like that at some times - and that I've had my fair share of moments. But right now, I feel like in my everyday life, I am surrounded by selfish people. A friendship goes both ways - time for you and time for me. A really good rule of thumb is that for every time someone listens to you, listen to them. And if you have a really bad moment and spill out all over someone, make sure you're there for them when their moment arrives.

That is all. I'm really psyched about Thanksgiving vacation!! A break! I can't wait! I'm actually in a fantastic mood and being very productive. I just had to get some stuff out. Therapeutic, this blog is.

the best of

The best part of today is realizing that tomorrow is Friday, finally. I think that Friday at 2:30pm is the happiest minute of my week, I'm so looking forward to it this week. :D

(see I can do it without complaining!!)

such a complainer

I am such a complainer - I don't mean to be. I think that things are just not going my way right now. I got sick over the weekend with the flu. I haven't had the flu in YEARS! But I think what happened is that my immune system isn't very strong and when I got my shot on Thursday it couldn't create the antibodies that it needed to fight away the virus. And so I got sick. But of course today when I woke up (late), I felt okay enough to go to work, plus it was too late to call in. I'm really tired of always having some kind of physical illness or problem. I'm ready to feel 100% again.
I'm also really tired of my complaining so this will be it. Maybe my luck will change once I stop complaining about all that is going wrong....it's a theory anyhow.

arg

So said letter that I wrote yesterday about getting a student a personal para didn't flip like I wanted it to. I cannot believe the inconsistent answers and attacks on work ethic that I am getting. The big boss came over to someone else's classroom today. She stopped by mine, and I was thinking that she just came over to observe my student. Well, I heard later that she came over because my room was noisy. Are you f'n kidding me?

Like Rodney Dangerfield is famous for - "I get no respect, no respect."

screwed, I think not

There is some sick and twisted pleasure I get from not allowing my job to screw me. They are really playing games with me. I want a personal para for one of my kids and they are just jacking me around and making me do all this work. So today, I put together a fine document that had data and statistics and all the key special ed words. It was F-I-N-E fine. And I sent it to all that mattered. And from my administrators I got cheers of hooray and good job and support. I think I floored my director. There is no question of what this child needs anymore. It just makes me feel good that I am on top of it and know what is going on and can relay that in words. I am really good at what I do, and they can't really afford to lose me, so they better not screw with me. And that is where I'm at with that.

awwww.....it gets better

So we already know that I'm hurt, bitter, and angry at the world right now. To further that, they are being stingy at work and not allowing me the personal para for one of my students. There reply is always, there's not enough money. There totally is enough money. I've saved them at least $600+ a month by eradicating a behavior intervention. (positive behavioral milestones, if you know that group) And they took away one Process Coordinator, so now our entire district only has 2. We see ours once a week if we're lucky. I know there's money. Now, I'd just like to know where they are rat hole-ing it. I can guarantee you it's not in my pocket. So, now I feel that the school is screwing me. I'm ready to try another one - although, I have a feeling that maybe they are all the same.
AND Sprint is screwing me again, for the 5th month in a row. This is ridiculous. In about a week I will be calling and trying to get out of my plan and moving on to another company. There's no good reason for calling every month since June because my plan is screwed up - all because I washed my phone. I really shouldn't have this many problems because I overlooked where my phone was when I put a blanket in the washer. Stupid.
So now, officially, I can say screw it all. Of course I would probably use worse language than that....but this is online and in writing, so in a nice way, screw them all, screw it all, screw everything.
It'll all get better, I know. And probably sooner than later. But I just had to get on here and rant.

A good lesson in this is that when you see the worst in things, the worse comes out in everything. Learn up, people.

distant and obscure ravings

There's a good scene in Bridgett Jones' Diary where she sings the 'All by myself' song, drunk on vodka, plays air drums, cries for her singletoness. Not all of us had times like these, I had them during my gin & tonic days. But not so much since. I have, however, slipped into an abyss of loneliness, and not just being single loneliness, but all around loneliness. Last week, I was just wanting the friends to come to me, to help me, to be there for me...this week I'm screaming out 'hey, let's have a conversation, let's hang out.' and I've gotten the same reaction - no answered phone calls, no answered emails, total ignorance. From my friends. People whose calls I answer, who show up at my door, who send emails needing to talk, text messages. I don't understand it. I was there for them, I thought it worked both ways. How many times will I learn this lesson in life? Probably a million more. I'm stopping here and going on though, a person shouldn't have to spell it out for their friends. I learned a while ago that you are the most important person in your life.

A good thing is that I am luckier than most, I learn from everything and regret nothing.

Disclaimer: this blog is not intended to entertain the masses, it is like a diary and for all intents and purposes used to record my thoughts during that time period and moment. Don't be worried or upset or pissed off, it was your decision to venture through my personal thoughts and feelings at this moment. Who knows, the feelings and thoughts could change in the next moment and be totally different...

Daylight savings time

Did anyone else feel like today was the longest day ever? I did. I don't know whether it was the hour back, or just my day - but it was the longest day. I'd watch tv for 30 minutes, and it felt like an hour.

Tomorrow starts another work week - I hope it goes fast for everyone and that you find happiness in it.

Alone

If you know me well, you know that being single doesn't really bother me very often. I have great friends and lots to do, all the time. Well, the scary-old-lady-alone-with-80-cats syndrome has reared it's ugly head. I haven't gone off and adopted 79 more cats, nor am I going to...but the fact remains, I am single. And no matter how you say it, with vivacious umph, or a whiny, give-me-pity voice, you're still single. And at the end of the night when everyone goes home with their husbands, you are still going home to your house where there is only a feline, canine, and gerbil to greet you. No man in your bed waiting. No one wanting to have a conversation. No one to pour you a glass of cold water and get you a vitamin.

Here's what I want the world to know today, before I put my black boots on and walk - is that all I really want is someone to have a real conversation with, where we talk about real feelings, and where I listen as much as the other person does. It's that simple. But where does a girl find that..