A whole week of grateful messages.
Thank you for my mom and dad. Thank you for Thin Mints. Thank you for Bethany's sticky chicken recipe. Thank you for my job. Thank you for the team I work with. Thank you for the opportunity to get out of town and see an old friend - if even for a few hours. Thank you for my flat iron. Thank you for reminders that I am only human and must really start taking care of my body seriously. Thank you for guiding my priorities.
Today's has to be really quick as it is Tuesday and I am a busy Bonnie on Tuesdays.
Thank you for no SET meeting this morning. My day started and ended calmly, thank you. Thank you for the gift of music. Thank you for wonderful friends who loaned me oboes when mine was thieved. Thank you to KCMO police for taking a further step to find the Waldo rapist. Thank you to the people who always think of me when they hear about Waldo on the tv and show concern. Thank you for the many plans I have to whack that wanker if he even steps one fat foot in my house. Thank you for coffee. Thank you for the Olympics as I am obsessed and in love with them this winter. Also, thank you for twitter and facebook, they feed my obsession and allow me to take it to the next level. Thank you for TweetDeck it is totally cool. Thank you for noticing I'm totally behind in the times and need to be caught up. Thank you for the dream I had about AAO the other night, it was so vivid and is still with me. Thank you for my gym membership. Thank you for keeping me clothed, even when I'm too lazy to do the laundry.
I don't go to church and I haven't given anything up for Lent in years. But I thought this year I would start something new - unfortunately I'm already 2 days and already late. But I thought I would add something to my life. Either do a gratefulness blog everyday or work out everyday. I should do both. I find myself very unmotivated - as I do with everything in life.
But regardless. It's time for a little challenge. For the next 40 days I will blog about 40 things in my life that I'm grateful for and I will work out (pending my knee) starting tomorrow or Saturday (personal reasons) every day except for Tuesdays.
Time for a challenge in my life. Hold me to it!
Why do I feel like I always have to be struggling with life? I am very blessed. I see this, I feel this, and I am grateful for it. But something isn't right. Things haven't fallen into the place I want. How do you get rid of the idea or dreams of what you want and just be happy with what you have? I don't know that I can, maybe that is why my life will always be a struggle. I am really tired of being alone. I've prayed about it, I've talked to the universe about it, I've written essays on it, I've waited, I've sought it out, I've given in - what else? Do I give it up? Because that is how I feel now, pretty hopeless. Like I should go out and adopt at least 7 more cats and start wearing moo's (it's a short moo moo). I'm so frustrated and sad.
As an educator, citizen, and mother figure I am struggling with our education system. At first it was the No Child Left Behind initiative. Now simply, it's the lack of funding. Why aren't there more movements to change education? I am making a plan to start really looking into what our government (state first, then federal) is doing to help change education. I want to encourage you to do the same. If you haven't talked to an educator in the area where you live - please do. If you are in my district, you should know that millions in taxes were not paid last year/this year and thus the district is struggling to find 1.6 million dollars just so it can stay open for next year. This includes cutting programs, teachers, teachers aides, and administration. Also cutting the funding to departments, individual schools, and cutting summer school altogether. This has a significant impact on the children we are educating. I would assume that my district is not the only one. I would assume this is happening every where, not just in urban Kansas City.
I am outraged.
I am scared.
Twas a sheep not a lamb that strayed away
In the parable Jesus told,
A grown-up sheep that strayed away.
From the ninety and nine in the fold.
And why for the sheep should we seek
And earnestly hope and pray?
Because there is danger when sheep go wrong;
They lead the lambs astray.
Lambs will follow the sheep, you know,
Wherever the sheep may stray.
When sheep go wrong, it won’t take long
Til the lambs are as wrong as they.
And so with the sheep we earnestly plead
For the sake of the lambs today,
For when sheep are lost, what a terrible cost
The lambs will have to pay!
-C. C. Miller
A week into this new paycheck - I've saved over $10 in coupons, however I managed to get a virus from one of the coupon downloads...so be careful about printing off internet coupons. I've stayed on my budget, but am already very close to the end. But that is okay! I just have to be smart about what I do, and really weigh in on decisions of things I feel the need to buy. I already notice that I started being much more aware of deals and savings. I do think that I am going to start getting the Sunday paper.
For Christmas, I gave my family 12 dinners (in the form of a calendar with fun pictures of our family). And for January, I did fish and chips. The fish did not turn out like I wanted, but I think I know how to remedy that. Part of the problem was my choice of baking pan and also my choice of baking it, rather than just frying it or at least browning it in a pan and then baking the rest of the way. I'll get it next time I make it. Oh well. They ate it up anyhow.
Tonight, I did make some delicious and wonderful. The recipe is below:
Chicken Stuffing Casserole (the weight watchers version)
Ingredients:
1 pound uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breasts (I used 4)
2 cans reduced fat cream of chicken
10 oz fat free skim milk
1 1/2 cups fat-free chicken broth
1 box of stuffing, chicken
10 oz canned tomatoes with green chilies, drained (rotel) *I didn't use this*
1 box frozen spinach - thawed and drained
Directions:
Cut chicken breast into cubes and cook in pan, season as you wish. Pour into 9x13 pan, sprayed with Pam. Layer spinach over chicken. Mix soup with milk, pour over chicken/spinach. Mix broth, stuffing (and rotel) and pour over soup mixture. Cook 45-60 minutes uncovered at 350 degrees F.
*I thought tomatoes in this dish sounded disgusting tonight. But I will try it some other time.
The casserole turned out warm and delicious. It was filling and I have 4 more huge helpings chilling in the freezer or fridge.
BTW - I saw Julie & Julia this weekend. What a wonderfully funny film. However, I saw UP today and it was such an awesome movie! Everyone must see it. I am sad I did not see it in the theater.
I think......that I can pay off 2 bills AND go on spring break with my tax refund.
I am so close to being debt free except for my house - it's like a year and a half away!! Maybe closer if I can continue living like a pauper (which I get better and better at). I love reaching goals. I love it! Sooo excited!
I need dating help. I’m having trouble finding and meeting men in my 30’s that are around my age. Recently, all my dates have been from some internet dating sites, seems to be the only place to find a date for 30 something’s in middle America. I keep an open mind and try and date anyone that is interested. I have horrific stories to prove it. However, my dating stories certainly make for entertaining conversation when my married friends have me over for dinner. But I’m sick of being the single person in my group of friends, and my biological clock is ticking, I’m surprised you can’t hear it from there.
Here’s what I’m sick and tired of: being the girl who has the worst date stories, hearing, “Thank God I don’t date anymore, I don’t think I could do it,” hearing, “you’ll find your mate,” having to pimp myself out to people I’ve just met. What does that mean, you ask? Well, my conversation starters for new coworkers or strangers usually begin with, “Hey, I’m single, do you or your husband know anyone? Well, keep me in mind if you do meet a single guy.”
In thinking about this essay, I realized that I have only been set up once. Just once, and it was by one of my mom’s friends. Of course it didn’t go anywhere. The guy didn’t even call me. I don’t know why. And I don’t know why more people haven’t set me up. My friends (including friends husbands) always say, “Well, I know some single guys or a single guy, but there’s a reason he is single. I wouldn’t want to set you up with him.” Which leads me to wonder, what is wrong with me? Why am I still single at 33?
I think about this far too often, every time I look in the mirror, every time I see a couple walk down the street, or in the mall, or in a store. What is wrong with me? So after deciding to write this essay, I went out in search of the answer to this question. I was hoping to hear that I am awkward, or socially incompetent, or too shy. But the reality is I am none of those things. I am social, and easy to talk with, and don’t really believe in strangers (everyone is a potential friend). So my findings were, well, in a word infuriating. I asked everyone I could find, from total strangers to my very best and closest friend, “Why do you still think I’m single at 33?” Simply put, most people don’t think I get out there and date enough. In my mind, I’m screaming, “WHERE DO I FIND ALL THESE DATES TO GO ON?”
All of my close friends are married. My wing-gals were taken hostage by domesticated life. They traded nights out for nights in, and then came the babies. Everyone is having babies. And unless I meet new friends (which feels ridiculous at 33), or go out by myself (loser!) my days/nights of meeting boys out and about are o-v-e-r. Oh wait, there is internet dating. What a novel idea!
Internet dates are like tripping up the stairs. You step out with your best foot forward. You’re ready to create meaningful conversation, enjoy the night secretly hoping he’s the one and then it happens. He trips you up by talking about himself the whole time, small talk includes asking you about your sexual preferences, and making sure your tab is split at the end of the night. I live in middle America. I live in a bigger city and am not surrounded by cows and corn and people chewing on wheat. So, you would think it would be a single gal friendly place, but I am finding that it’s single friendly if you are, like early 20-something. Dating in my 30’s has proven harder than about anything I’ve done. I have to rely on the internet to meet people (see above paragraph about close friends). Each time I’m excited for that first date, but so far all I’ve done is fall up the stairs, proverbially speaking. But, fortunately – so far – I’ve always gotten back up, dusted myself off, and walked out with my head held high.
At this point I don’t really know what keeps me hoping to find someone. I wish I knew how to find the kind of man I’m looking for. I want to be able to know what club to join, or what organization to volunteer for or internet dating site that will point me to Mr. Just Right for ME. I am hoping that this show can help me to know what I need to do for myself to find dates that have meaningful conversation, and excitement.
And just for your entertainment, here is one of my less risqué worst date stories *names changed:
It was a spring night in Kansas City, MO. I had agreed to meet kc_myk* , or Mike. We both like to travel and cook. Mike suggested we go to a bar and grill located between the two of our residences. We aren’t meeting until late, 9pm, suggested by Mike. So I ate dinner and got ready for the first date. It was a causal place, so I wore jeans, a nice short sleeved purple top and really great silver heels. I was excited for the new possibility. We met inside and sat down. He said he was getting dinner and mentioned several times that I should get something to eat too. He even went as far to say that he is uncomfortable eating by himself. Mike ordered the messiest burger on the menu. So for the next 40 minutes, I listened to stories about his family, his travels, and the friends he met on the travels all while bits of bbq pork sandwich were coming out of his mouth. Occasionally he would stop to sip on his beer. On top of his disgusting eating habits and talking about himself, the bar and grill was loud and there was a party of drunk people sitting near us which made me lean in closer in order to try and listen to what he had to say about himself. I kept a napkin close by in case anything flung from his mouth in my direction (which it did). Finally, around the time a band started setting up right next to us, he said, “well enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. How often do you like to have sex when you are in a relationship?” I prayed for some kind of distraction so I could get out of there, and soon enough the band started and I said my good bye. Needless to say, I did not answer his calls when he called me a week later.
Hey good friends. Oprah is auditioning singles for her show! I wanna be on it. I have to fill out an essay....and I thought, I want to illicit my friends thoughts on my single-ness and put it in the essay. So here is what Oprah wants on the essay:
Are you single and struggling to find someone?
Are you sick of being single and ready to meet your match? Do you feel like you need a great wingman at your side to help you meet someone? Are you clueless when it comes to flirting? Do you stumble or freeze once you catch someone?s attention? Do you find yourself constantly misreading the opposite sex? If you are willing to be on TV, tell us why you need dating help and about your most recent attempts to find that special somebody. We look forward to hearing from you!
And I want you to write (you can email if it's easier, or call or whatever) about why you think I'm still single. Why do you continually tell me I'll meet someone - do you really believe that? and why? What would you suggest I do to meet someone?
Give me some feedback so Oprah will pick me!!! I'll post my final essay on here for all to read. Wouldn't it be great to meet Oprah???
What would you do if you knew you had only about a year left? This book reminds us that life is short, and you should live it like everyday is your last. Nominated for a Gateway Award this year. Another plus, the author is fantastic, guaranteed to like all his books if you like teen literature. 
Here's a great homemade - from scratch - Brownie Recipe
I would rate this recipe as EASY!
Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
(frosting)
3 tablespoons butter, softened
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup powdered sugar
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease (I used Pam) an 8 inch square pan (or I used a muffin pan.
2. In a large bowl, melt 1/2 cup butter. Stir in sugar, eggs, and 1 teaspoon vanilla. Beat in 1/3 cup cocoa, 1/2 cup flour, salt, and baking powder. Spread batter into greased pan.
3. Bake in preheated oven for 25 to 30 minutes. I found that 17-18 was enough for the muffin pan. (but I know it's done by how it smells...)
4. To make the frosting (which I didn't): combine 3 tablespoons butter, 3 tablespoons cocoa, 1 tablespoon honey, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and 1 cup powdered sugar. Frost the brownies while they are warm. (the brownies are pretty sweet without the frosting...)
If you had a mini-muffin pan, these would be very similar to the Little Brownie Bite product that most baking lines have. Plus they would be perfect little treats. The other part of this recipe I like is there is no added oil. Only that Pam I used to grease the pan.
They are delicious. I had everything in my house to make them. :) For those that don't bake - you should try some 'from scratch' recipes for simple every day treats - they are so much better than the box or refrigerated stuff.
Enjoy.
I read the book Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah Saturday night. Beautiful story of 2 girls lifelong friendship. Very sad, but beautiful. 
I wasn't quite sure where this blog was going - I know I'd had some feelings today that I needed to look at and analyze. Sometimes it helps for me to talk things out - so I blogged it out.
Lately, I've really been engrossed in my personal life. Maybe it's the new year and the new prospect of something different coming my way. Maybe it's the excitement of making changes. Regardless of the reasons, I'm really hooked. Which presents a small, problem for me at work. I don't care. I really don't stress the dead lines. I really don't stress the paperwork. I do try to do quality work, as I always have. But really - I don't stress it. I am way more into what's going to happen at home. I would much rather research recipes than work on the RED I have to have finished by last Friday. It only bothers me that I'm not bothered by the huge amount of paperwork that was missed over last week or the timelines up-coming. I feel like they will come and they will go, and I'll get the work done (at some point). In fact, my whole focus (which in the last 5 years has solely been on paperwork and getting it done before/on time, remember - I'm sped) is almost changing. I really am more interested in my delivery of the lesson and the quality and efficiency of the lesson I'm teaching. I've said this before, and I might just say it again, but it might be time for me to transition into regular education. I still want to teach, I just think I might be over the sped paperwork. I guess it is time to suck it up and buy that Science praxis study guide. The irony of it is, I really enjoy what I'm teaching this year. I mean, I REALLY like it. I've NEVER done the same job at this school - every year has been something different. I worry that next year they will try to move me to the alternative school (insert long story here). I think I'll want something different, and if not by next year than definitely after that. So where to go from here. I've always thought that teaching Science, like 6th or 7th grade would be cool. They learn such fun stuff. All I have to do is take a test and pass it. No joke! The extra certification wouldn't hurt me anyhow. And then, I wouldn't be responsible for a caseload of kids with a plethora of paperwork to do. I could just spend my time creating and excellent curriculum full of AWESOME lessons. Sounds good, huh?!
The beginning of 2010 has been so exciting. I've really turned over a lot of leaves. And I've already stuck with me for a little over a week!
I picked up a students book today, Love, star girl by Jerry Spinelli 
and this is what I read (what I can remember anyhow: 'I love new beginnings. If I were in charge of the calendar everyday would be January 1st!' It's exactly how I feel today.
BTW - I LOVE Jerry Spinelli's books. Especially Star Girl....
Well...wouldn't you know as soon as I pat myself on the back for feeling better about finances, someone goes and blows it. That someone would probably be me. But I'd like to thank my mortgage company for their hand in it. Geez! Yesterday was rough...but today I am feeling better. I was spring loaded to do something about my seemingly never ending money problems, so if anything I'm glad that came out of my rough day. In a nutshell, I never realized that the amount you pay for mortgage could change. But it does. And now I know, and knowing is half the battle right? The other half is having a budget and sticking to it. So last night I prepared a budget that seemingly works on paper. I'm going to look through it again later today. And if all goes well, I'll stick to it this year and things will be looking so much better for me next year at this time and you won't have to endure anymore finances suck blogs. Here are some things I'm going to change also throughout the year to help with the situation (and if you have any suggestions):
-make a list for groceries/household needs, buy only things on said list
-plan meals
-watch my checking account more closely (check it online daily)
-open up all my mail and read it
-find a rich man to marry and take over my finances (just kidding)
-buy all Christmas presents before labor day
It is just a learning process and every year is getting better - it's just baby steps and hard to really see the differences, but there are differences!
So...another snow day. It's really nice. I am not ever going to complain. I love snow days. Even though we've had several, I still get giddy when I see my school's name scrolling on the bottom of the tv. I often feel like a kid in those instances. I don't really care how many days we have to go later or not having days off when we are supposed to, because I have 30 days of sick leave and 2 personal days accrued - I can take a sick day when I need a day, no problem. If we are lucky - we might just make the magical number of snow days it takes for the state to forgive and forget...and then they wouldn't matter anyhow. I don't know why every school district just doesn't try to make this number every year. It would save them lots of money. And don't we all know - districts are in the business of saving money this year, finding money, creating money...they just need money.
Anyway - I also wanted to say something about my finances. I am in the hole at this time every year. Christmas just gets me. I just blow it all during the vacation and then have NOTHING for January. Well, I did it again this year, however - not as much as normal, and I know every cent that I'm in the hole. I also had 2 chances to not be in the hole this year - but of course I take the long road and make many mistakes many times, and didn't get my butt in gear to make the decisions for either 2 chances. The chinese have a proverb that says, fall down 7 times get up 8. Well, next year will be my #8. I am going to make sure that I have all shopping and presents by September (never in my life have I done this). Also, I am going to take one of those options that were presented and utilize it if necessary next year. I've even written myself a note in my planner. So...regardless of how negative funds I am right now, I feel like every year I make baby steps toward being better financially and this year is no exception. Whoo hoo!
The poor fish. They are buried under ice and snow. They could possibly not even make it. The ponds only go to about 4 feet, I don't know if that is deep enough in this cold, cold winter weather. It will certainly make for a huge project this spring and summer!
We are supposed to get 2-4 more inches tomorrow and the high on Friday is 0 degrees!! Oh my! We had a snow day today, and probably if the snow comes in tomorrow morning, we'll have the rest of the week out. It's nice having the extra week for winter break and being able to stay in and not get out in the weather. However, there is also the impressing doom of the MAP test which is the end of March and first of April. Educational time is of the essence! It will take a week or three to get my kids back into a routine and learning...Then it's just a few weeks to spring break and then the MAP. I wouldn't be so concerned about it, because I am not really the teacher that is (I'm sped, these kids are probably not going to help our scores anyhow). But government (Missouri or Federal) still have not taken any steps to actually HELP the urban school systems. We had a lady from DESE in a few weeks ago, that pretty much used bully techniques in telling us what we needed to be doing and what they expected to see when they came in. No one left that meeting feeling motivated. And this is all coming from the fact that I need to finish lesson plans, but am instead sitting here worrying about my fish and wondering if the meatballs I made are ready.... I guess I better go check.
Here's to hoping the fish are alive and well after the winter storm of 2009
I am ready to change my life. I am ready to have some new goals and new aspirations. I have sat down several times in the last few weeks to develop a list of events that I really want to happen in my life. (warning - I'm gonna Oprah it up) Now that I have the list, I need to figure out how to make it happen.
Here's my nitty gritty list:
-meet soulmate
-marry soulmate
-be a mother
-travel (specifically: Egypt, Europe, Norway, Australia, Canada, Germany, Belgium, Italy, Greece, every state in US)
-Be a dynamic teacher
-live a healthy lifestyle
-pay off all debts
-have lots of different/unique experiences (which includes being open to them and watching to opportunities)
The list is always the first step. As I created this, I made a lot of other realizations, mostly based on maturity and adult-ish things. As much as I enjoy living into my life, I also enjoy getting in my head and analyzing my life. I am creating a vision board (here comes the Oprah). I think letting the universe know my intentions is a good thing. And maybe I'll live into some of this in the next coming year, or maybe I'll be open to an opportunity I might not have been...either way, I'll be living to my life.
Here is my vision board, so far. I didn't spend too much time on it - I figured maybe I would just start it and then as I am inspired I would add to it. 
So here is an excerpt from my first post in 2009:
So instead I will name 5 things that I am looking forward to in 2009.
1. Going to Washington D.C, and any other travel adventures I choose. I love to travel and am glad that I'm getting a head start for this year in January.
2. Being in the last 2 weddings I will ever be in that are not my own. After these two, the next one will be mine!
3. Being active and embracing the warm weather when it comes. Tuesday I took a 2 mile walk with a friend and our dogs and then went and played tennis with another friend. I am looking forward to more of those opportunities anytime the weather is warm.
4. Finishing this school year and going into my final year in Special Education. No matter what I choose to do after next school year, my abusive relationship with Special Education will be finished. I will not be writing anymore IEP's, FBA's, BIP's, RED's or ER's.
5. Another year means another chance to embrace my life and all that is in it. It is another chance to release my expectations of my life (thereby releasing my disappointments) and allow myself to marvel in it's fullness and beauty, even in the trying times.
I would just like to comment on these as my year comes to a close..
1. Traveling is still a passion. Washington D.C. was a very special trip and my only airplane trip in 2009. The rest were road trips, which were fun.
2. No offense - THANK GOD! I am done with other peoples weddings, which only means that now - I am totally having to deal with everyone's pregnancy and eventually their kids....The cycle of the theirs only continues - I hope to break it in 2010, or go MIA to another country all together.
3. Yes, totally right on with this one. Even bought a new fancy bike.
4. Ahhh shit...still in Special Education. Still dealing with all the fn paperwork and bs that goes on. Maybe something new will come my way? Right now, I'm just happy to have a job.
5. Again, another right on. I think I'm way less stressed and not drowning in the emotional muck I often get stuck in. Emotionally I am pretty good, sad at times, but pretty good. I've really held my own this Holiday season, it might help to have everyone around me bah humbug....I become stronger and more optimistic because I KNOW I can't let them get me down (because I will go much further down than any of those other bah humbug people, gotta take care of myself!)
Well...not a bad analysis at all. I feel pretty good about the stuff I put out there and what I got back. I'm pretty pumped to write about the upcoming year and what I would like to see out of it. Check back for that later.
I do not have a snow day, but my friends up north do. I'm rather jealous of them. I think we'll probably get something today, but I don't think it will be snow. I'm ready for some winter-looking snow. And I'm always ready for a snow day.
I have started this blog what seems like 100 times and have yet to finish it, I'm not too sure this will be the time either, but I'm gonna give a good ole' college try.
So I wanted to write a blog about 2009. When I started typing i realized that none of it was really about me - and it's my blog. It should be about what happened to ME in 2009, not all the amazing events that happened to everyone else. So, I've thought long and hard and have decided that maybe I don't need to write an end of the year blog. As everyone's mom always says - If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. While all the exciting stuff happened to everyone else....here's my list of thankfulness for 2009.
In no particular order:
-family
-best friends
-bearcat football
-coaching middle school volleyball
-having the opportunity to go to the 2009 Presidential Inauguration
-Celinda gave me these pair of yellowstone pants (just cotton whatever pants) I love them and I'm thankful for them almost daily.
-having friends who are talented in all sorts of ways
-encouragements to rip out the carpet and then actually doing so. The flooring looks fantastic and I have no more asthma at night.
-liquid eyeliner
-having the funds to get my hair did
-beer, jerry, and vodka
-teaching, my students
-being humbled daily
-living
-sunshine, sweating, 5 weeks off
-coffee, which I have just recently started loving again, daily.
-my maturity and growth as a person
-New Moon
-$5 movies during the week and early on weekends
-and the last thing I will post that I am thankful for, knowing what I want and not settling for less.
"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.“
— Hardy D. Jackson
*I know this list is short...I'll add to it at a later time, I have been having an awful time looking back on 2009. It really angers me in many ways and makes me sad in others. So, I do a little thinking at a time and then move on! I'll come back to it later.
Highlights (in no particular order):
-Saturday morning coffee
-having my brother, mom and dad all at my house at once
-discussing the frustrations of life with Bob and Mary
-Referring to Boulevard's Bob's 47 as Bob - always
-Chief Big Bottom Lip going as my 'date' to Kelly's wedding
-fantasizing about Mary and Cris moving into Kelly's house
-new sweaters!
-no more blonde
-having adult priorities
-enjoying my new part of life and the adultness of it
-Crockpot Sundays
-my new pbr mug which is perfect for me
Lowlights (in no particular order):
-anxiously and impatiently (because I'm excited) awaiting to put the flooring in and get the front door finished
-realization that a new oboe will not be anywhere in my future for a long time
-being lonely
So that I can work on the weekend! But that is finally over - there are no more volleyball tournaments on Saturdays. I have 3 more games left and they are this week and then next Monday we will have our awards banquet and done. I will reflect more on it later - it was an interesting year and I have a lot to reflect on and a lot to say about it.
I went to a great wedding last night - the reception was at Starlight Amphitheatre - which hosts lots of broadway events and concerts. It was GORGEOUS!!! I loved it, and had a great time. One of the best wedding events ever. I love that venue.
Lots of stress at work, with friends at their work - basically urban education is a sinking ship. We need help - please, someone in the high up - HELP US! I'm contemplating a move to the outer suburbs just to get out of the sinking ship. But I have a good thing at Center, and it stops me, until once again am faced with the knowledge that my good thing could crash down on me at any moment of any day. I will also shout about this as stuff moves on and I hear more final things.
I have stress at home - many of my readers know why. I will not write about it on here because my paranoia runs high. But I will say that I am making lots of home improvements! I have ordered my flooring and just have to go pick it up. I will have a few new, beautiful looking doors. I can't wait till the flooring is done. I am doing it by myself (with friends) but if anyone knows anyone that has experience doing it and will work for beer/sandwiches and a good time - please give me a call.
Lots going on, I am very excited about the impending ending of volleyball so that I can take a bit of a breath.
I normally love this and rave about it, but tonight, I'm angry. My girls played their 4th game tonight and they are still standing around on the court, not going for the ball and watching it drop. It's infuriating. They have the skills - they can do it in practice....why can't they perform?
Any coaching advice? Remember I coach urban girls and most of them, this is their first year playing. Do I need to settle down? Or how can I light a fire under their ass so they go for the ball? Should I use tough love? Should I yell? Should I get as irate as I feel right now? Should I bribe them? Should I run them until they puke? What...what do I need to do to make them want the ball and want to get some points on the board?
Rawr. Coach Steen is pissed.
I don't have much free time, but when I have, I've been doing stuff to my house. Everything is slow going, and dependent on how much money I have at the time. Lately, I've had ZERO, so everything I've done has had to be with stuff I already have.
So the past few weeks I've tackled and started some projects. The first was to investigate flooring. I went to Nebraska Furniture Mart and found exactly what I wanted on sale for $1.69 sq yard. I have been going through the process with them. I won't actually order anything until next weekend. I've been debating on trying to accomplish this project myself and with the help of friends and family. It's only 300 square yards, and would save me hundreds of dollars that I don't have anyway. So all those decisions will have to be final next week. I have already ripped up the carpet. My friend, Natalie came over and we just did it. It was a Friday afternoon and took all of 15 minutes. Here is what we found:
It's pretty funky. After a week of the carpet being gone (and I got it all thrown away, talk about luck). I am feeling good, lung wise. I haven't had any asthma at night even though we are in the height of allergy season. My house smells better. It was just a really good decision. It may take me a while to get the flooring in, but once that is all accomplished, it will be so pretty!!
I also was having some problems with my bathroom sink. The water pressure was really low, I couldn't even really wash my hands in there anymore. Thank god for the internet, I researched all that and figured out that first I needed to check the faucet. Somehow, I figured out how to get it off and realized that the little plastic piece inside was clogged. My dad came over and cleaned it up with a needle, and now it works perfectly!
I decided a few days ago to finally tackle the ever growing yellow jacket in-ground nest in my front yard. I did a lot of research (again, thank goodness for the internet) and found some more humane ways of trying to rid them. I am not a fan of putting lots of chemicals on my yard. I've got an outdoor cat who is all over the place. I don't want her to get sick or bring the chemicals into the house. So I read in a few places that soap will make their nest inhabitable. Many people had put hot/boiling water in a bucket with dishsoap and then poured it down the nest. They left the bucket over the nest for a few days. Well I did this, but couldn't get the bucket to stay over the nest (I was scared!!). But it did kill a lot of them. 
There are still some buzzing around, so I might give it a week and then try it again. I never got stung, but I did have a neighbor walk by my house right after I did it and she got stung. She wanted to investigate the bucket in front of my house with the suds. I think she thought there were flies around it and went up to see if it smelled. She got stung twice! That will teach her to sniff around people's buckets in their front yard...ha.
Anyway, all this house stuff can be frustrating at times. It really makes me think about being single and wonder why I am single. I hate doing all this alone. I hate that I have to tackle some of this stuff alone. I do see how strong I am and how much I can handle, but it really makes me want to have a partner to help with these awful tasks. I know he's coming, I'm just really tired of waiting.
The Electra did it. I did my first bike ride for charity. My friend Suzanne works for Catholic Charities and put on a Cycling for Change. A friend of mine, Carrie, suggested we ride the 20 mile. Since, I normally go on rides around 12-15 miles, I thought, sure why not, sounds great. And then I saw the map of where we would be riding and became very nervous, and even a little overwhelmed/psycho about it. But I said I would do it, and so I would. I never do much street riding. Even around my neighborhood, I live on the Trolley trail and next to the Blue River Trail, so I don't have any need to get on the street much. And here I was riding 20 miles, all street during the day on Saturday in some of the worst neighborhoods in KC. It wasn't the neighborhoods or the traffic that I was worried about...it was the hills. You see, I'm not much of a hill person. I don't do them well, I'm slow and am usually hard of breath after I go up one. This ride was full of long drawn out hills. I need to preface the beginning with my frustration for the ride coming out on not being able to get my front tire on my bike. So the start of all this was a jumbled mess - not unlike any situation I've had with a bike (ie. smashed my last phone before a bike ride). Anyway, I got the tire on and changed my attitude and we got the show on the road, literally. The first few blocks were down hill and then we came to a hill, steep long incline of a hill. I got behind, couldn't breathe, was all around frustrated. I tried to shift and my chain fell off. Thankfully the Electra is a really nice bike and it was really easy to get the chain on. But then I had to get on the bike half way up the hill and start up it again. Huffing and puffing, almost crying, I finally made it up. My thoughts were final, I was not ready emotionally or physically for this. I could not do this. That straggler van can come pick me up! But my good friend and at that moment coach, Carrie, made me keep going. Even though in my mind, I was fine just making it to the first stop. I felt fine at the first stop (which was Grinder's). 
Ironically, I didn't know this was the first stop, I thought it was supposed to be a little later on at a community center. So went the community center came and went, the joke was on me. I found myself riding up another hill. Things went better this time. I had, what Suzanne called the sheparder, with me (and had from that first hill). She is a 'real' bicyclist. Anyway, she stayed around only as long as I needed her. A real guardian angel. After I made it halfway, she must have realized that I had the confidence to finish because she went on to do her own ride. I thanked God a lot that she was there for the first half that day. I'm also really thankful that Carrie was there cheering me on. More importantly, after that first hill, I was there cheering myself on. The scenery was totally worth it. The experience of urban street riding was worth it. Seeing my parents at the end waiting for me was surprising, but totally priceless. I'm adding a video on here that my mom took. She didn't know her camera was on video mode though. Anyway - it's me coming in from the ride. I look forward to many more rides. Charity or no charity - it's nice just to get out and ride.
Not really tooting my own horn, just reminding myself that I am a pretty cool gal. I gotta think about the positive right now, because emotionally - I can't go much further down without seeing it's detriments.
1. Tomorrow I'm doing a 20 mile bike ride through the city. I'm totally psyched, and yet a bit intimidated. I'm determined to make it, even if I have to get out and push it up a hill.
2. I really have an amazing support system. I often forget about them when there's nothing going on and they are quiet - but they are always on my side, big event or not.
3. Because I have such an amazing support system, it makes me feel very grateful and blessed. I always try to return the love, I hope that gets across.
1. I finally found my overhand serve in volleyball.
2. I have been tenured with my district and have no more summative evaluations to go through.
3. I am going to get the laminate flooring after all.
4. The other day I saw (in my mind) that I am becoming the person I've set out to be.
-I always look forward to school coming and the schedule, but I love summer and it's endless possibilities.
-Volleyball. I love coaching it. It gives me a satisfaction that nothing else in life has given me. It takes up a lot of time and drives me to utilize my plan time to the very last second.
-New clothes. I always hope my new school clothes will be a smaller size. Not this year, even with the change in diet and more activity - it hasn't quite paid off for me yet. I think as I get older I have to have even more activity (working out)to lose any weight.
-Like being back in the classroom. But in hindsight, I really liked being a facilitator and having the opportunity to work with LOTS of kids. I also liked working really closely with the other adults. I've always thought that I would like to someday go back to managing - the ultimate goal being a principal or process coordinator. But I really don't think so. I think I'm just fine teaching, and teaching different stuff every year has made me into somewhat of a jack of all curriculum.
-I am more social this year than any year since I've been at Center (5th year). I love it. I love being able to be social and friendly. I've been kinda overloaded in the past and had to have a game face nearly all day with the kids I worked with. This year is starting off wonderfully. I hope that I can continue the friendliness.
-Decided to go organic - but can't afford it. So I just switched my milk to organic. I found one I like and they sell it in bulk at Sam's (horizon). I guess it'll have to happen a little at a time - much like the stores around here. I also buy some other things organic if it's a good deal.
-I am happy that I am finished with the last wedding that I will ever be a bridesmaid in. Happily married and in love people are just making me sick right now. I find that I'm not necessarily jealous in a green envy kind of way - but I really want that. It makes me sad that I don't have that and can't seem to fall into it. (Because I know you can't FIND it - I know that when you stop looking is when you seem to find it...:P *I'm leering when I say this because I'm tired of people saying it to me, like I haven't heard it before - like I really get out and look for it?!! Spare me.)
-It's 10:32 and I can't believe I'm not asleep - I stayed up late baking cookies. :) Now I must go!
I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Here they are in no particular order...
-I watched that show, Big Love - the reality bachelor series with the fat people on it. I hate it. How stupid. Those girls need therapy! Most of them thought that people wouldn't love them because they were big. It was a sad, depressing and pathetic show. God, how are they going to feel when they get rejected by a guy on TV, not to mention their weight was put up there beside their name when they were introduced. They don't do that during the 'regular' bachelor - Here's Candy, she's 5'9" and weighs 98 lbs and is a size -10. I hate it. You wanna know what's wrong with America today - watch reality tv, while eating a super sizer from McD's...(I didn't do that last part!)
-I tried to mask my loneliness this summer with getting to know myself better and liking myself more. While, eventually I think this summer will turn out to be a turning point in my life, it was really lonely and at times VERY depressing.
-I see a lot of good things in myself, a lot more than I ever have. But there are times that are so frustrating. I know what I want to do and how to change it and when to do it, but something - some really frustrating obstacle/block - is not allowing my to get through and get to it. I almost feel like I'm waiting for a personal cheerleader, but I know that I just have to do it by myself. This makes me incredibly sad and angry and emotional because I don't want to be alone, I don't want to do this all alone. This feeling is at the surface of everything right now and I'm just not shaking it as easily as I have in the past.
-Some days I want to go somewhere else (far away) and start again, like a do over. But I feel so grounded here and unable to really go so I just stay.
-Organic, shouldn't it cost less? It is more cost effective with less pesticides and freshners going on it. Also, why doesn't everyone carry organic stuff - meat, veggies, fruit? I'm going to have to go to Whole foods or Whole Paycheck as the Morgan's call it. Because, folks, I'm going to go as organic as I can, just a personal decision.
-I'm actually ready for school to start. I've enjoyed my time during the month of July - the weather has been perfect. I saw a few people, did some stuff overall just tried to enjoy my time by myself or with friends. But I'm ready to move it on to something else. If it wasn't school, I would need a real vacation away from here or something else - camp? I don't know, just needing to move on.
-I wish Maggie (my dog) could tell me about her dreams. They are so full of yipping and growling, whining and moving.
Ahhh...bachelorette parties. Naughty gifts, penis straws, strippers, and gaggles of screaming girls are all thoughts that come to mind when I think about this kind of event. That was nothing like the event I planned on Saturday. It was to be a nice intimate, but educational event. I was very happy with the decorations. I had chosen lots of color with crazy daises (thank you Mary), boas, and sunglasses. This was easy and fun looking. 
Everything went as planned. I was really only disappointed in how loud the room was - but I'm the one that picked it, I just did not remember it ever being that loud. One person couldn't talk loud enough for everyone to be heard. I had planned a beer tasting, since I had it at a brewery. It was entirely too loud for that, plus people filtered in at their own times - some people were an hour later than the event time (to each their own). So, I personally don't think the beer tasting was a success. Although, I still like the idea. A wine tasting would also be fun for a shower or bachelorette party. 
Everything else was wonderful and sweet (like the bride). My friend, Natalie, made these sugar cookies that are to die for. Bethany's sister, Dawn, brought a really fun game to play. I got fantastic discounts for me when I paid the bill thanks to great friends at KCHops. 
Mary and I were going to go around Waldo for an afterparty, but we didn't get to do much of that. 
We ended up over at a friends house, celebrating a birthday. It was a great time, so much so, that I didn't leave til 5 am. Ridiculous. I came home and crashed (in my mind I was 10 years younger, partying like it was 1999). I was going to be getting up in a few hours and heading to CoMo to spend some much needed time with Alicia (and fam). Because I am actually 10 years older than I thought I was, I slept through 3 alarms and multiple phone calls and texts and didn't wake up until 10:15am, 15 minutes after I was supposed to be there. What a jerk I am. If only I'd partied like I was 32, not 22. Alicia is very forgiving - but I let myself down, I was very upset about this and still am. Another blog to come about how to deal with personal disappointment soon.
Those feelings aside, I think Saturday was successful. I'm mostly happy with the party I threw and still impressed by the amount of beer I can drink (sarcasm anyone?!) I learned, again, that nothing good happens after 1:00am and it's okay to excuse yourself from the party and go home and that regardless of the fun your having, if you're over 30, you probably should just do that.
I went out and bought my dream bike today. I spent a pretty penny on it, but it will be totally worth it. 
I bought it from Epic Bike and Sports
They were wonderful! I can't say enough nice stuff about this store. I want everyone to take their bike business to them. I've been to about 4-5 other places here in KC - prominent bike stores - and they blew all those places out of the water with their niceness and professional, yet fun, attitudes.
Anyway - They order the bike tomorrow and hopefully I'll have it end of next week or the week after. I really can't wait. This is almost as exciting as buying my house. I just knew it was right and the right thing to do at that moment.
This is an excellent musical fest put on by friends of mine at Spice of Life Productions
I will be there. Guaranteed a good time and the best bands in KC!
I give this workout video two thumbs up! It's short and to the point. I'm panting and sweating the whole time which is only like 25-30 minutes. Plus, I really like Jillian's way of doing things - blunt and motivating. She kinda pisses me off, which makes me work harder. No pain = no gain, and this will definitely let you know you are doing something! 
I mentioned in my last post about goals I have currently and decided to challenge myself to put them in writing. Just so you know, currently means - right now, today and tomorrow my goals might be all different or just the same. I'm a very moment oriented person.
Life Goals:
1. travel: everywhere, anywhere. I want to go outside of the US every summer and inside the US every spring break.
2. enjoy life: I have a hard time sometimes doing this because I'm constantly analyzing mine, I find so many things wrong or criticize myself so much that I miss out on the good time or am too depressed to go out and get the good time.
3. marriage and family: I go back and forth on this. I'm patient, yet not. I very much want a child, it would be nice to have a husband before the child. However, I am getting older and so what happens will happen.
4. be active: I want to live a very active life. I have started this, and hope to continue it and graduate to higher levels of it as the year goes on. It seems to help out on #2 and will also help me be a healthier individual.
5. no debt: I've been working on this for almost a full year. I am closer, but no medal yet. This is important to fund goal #1.
I'm stopping with 5 because they will start overlapping and repeating. These are the base of my goals. If I achieve these I will achieve all others that I want to do. This isn't my bucket list. This is just a list of stuff I'm working on currently. Number two seems to be the most challenging right now, I believe because of the great amount of time I've been spending by myself.
I've thought a lot lately about my future and what I'd like to do with it, I've blogged about it before. I think the realization that I've come to is that being a teacher, staying a teacher is probably my best decision. Out of natural progression, I want to move up or on and be a principal or teach at a college level, but those jobs do not give me summers off and easy schedules or coaching opportunities. So, looking at my big life goals, I've decided a teacher is good enough. I will be taking some praxis's to get other certificates so that I can move from sped to reg ed or elementary ed. But for now, I think I've decided that this is the best way to go to achieve the goals I have currently.
I did not find the dang spider. I finally went to bed, I saw the morning news come one before my eyes shut. I'll have to some searching today. Now that it is light and I'm not so deliriously tired, I think that I'll have a better chance at it.
I do feel kind of stupid for my reactions, but I hate spiders and it was late.
Everyday is a surprise. I'm going over to Natalie's for coffee and then who knows. Adventures lie ahead.
So. I cannot sleep. I was going to drift off into peaceful slumber by now, however while I was sitting on the couch getting ready to turn off the TV and go to bed I saw the biggest spider come out of my room and then jaunt back in. Therefore, I cannot sleep. I'm such a freak about this stuff. If I could just find it, I would kill it and feel fine. But I cannot reasonably go in there and sleep knowing that a huge ass spider is in there too. It's bad enough that I have my trusty bug killer (the swiffer) within reach at all times. I will probably have to sleep on the couch tonight - if I indeed sleep. What a horrible phobia. It was just so big though, probably bigger than a half dollar. ugh. If it would just come out of hiding, I would kill it and all would be better.
Good thing it's the summer and I can sleep all day tomorrow after I furiously clean my room and scour every inch looking for the beast. Of course, it has to be daylight when I do that. The beasts are weaker in the daylight, or I'm stronger - either way I sound idiotic. This is when being single or living alone hurts the worst.
I have such enthusiasm for riding bikes. I want to do it and have been on the search for a bike for some time now. My friend gave me a mountain bike yesterday and I had it fixed up. So last night I decided to go on a bike ride and see how it feels before venturing out for coffee this morning. Well, my area is pretty hilly - but sheesh, I went maybe a quarter of a mile and couldn't do it anymore. I turned around and made it home but had to sit around for a minute and get my breath back together. So I decided the biking to the coffee shop would be a goal rather than a starting place. So I drove there this morning, but while there I rode Natalie's cruiser (she did ride to the coffee shop) and it was so much easier. Of course there weren't huge hills and the bike fits me better. I don't know where in MO I'll find a place that's flat, it won't be my neighborhood. But I'm sure I'll work up to getting to and fro. At this point I couldn't even make it to Corner Cocktail (local bar - about 3 blocks away, up a hill). Small steps. And while I'm making them I'm looking for a bike to purchase. I think this will be a hard find. If I'm going to spend $$$ I want a bike that is perfect for me. I think this process has been frustrating, and will continue to be, but in the end will pay off.
If you ever come visit me, I will be taking you to this little coffee shop in Waldo (that I hope to ride my bike to someday). It's called One More Cup, and I'm in love with their Toddy's (cold brewed coffee). Delish!
I had a brush with past on Friday night. Not in the form of a person, or act, but in the form of a beautiful frothy delicious beverage that once I started imbibing, I could not stop. I was taken back to the days of yore (circa year 18-30), drunk and blissfully ignorant. It was just a reminder of why I chose to end that lifestyle and begin a new one (not that I needed a reminder, I love my new one). I'm happy to have left all that drinking and whatnot behind. I don't mind having some drinks, being buzzed but coherent. I do not miss the nights of binging and racing to the end of the glass just to order another. I don't miss smokey bars and disrespectful men. I don't even miss the crazy stories. I sit here today and would rather be the boring, hang out at my/a house kinda gal. If you were present during my drinking days you might have never thought this would come out of my mouth or that I would actually grow into becoming the person I am. I'd like to say that I could still drink you under the table, for what that is worth, but I'm going to have to resign to the fact that at one time in my life I could have and would have.
But today, I am a woman that would rather not. I'd rather enjoy my time buzzed and available to have a good conversation.
Happy Birthday to my Mama! We went out to mexican at Manny's for her birthday dinner and then went and played mini-golf. It was a really good night.
This is a picture after we did her Tequila birthday shot, which I personally think should become a tradition.
I woke up this morning thinking about my next move I'm going to make in my career. I'm definitely going to take the Science praxis and get certified in middle school Science. I would love to teach it and there is a possible opening in a year or two that will be available to me if I want it.
But when I woke up, I wasn't thinking about signing up for that test or ordering the study guide, I was thinking about going back to school. For what you ask? To be a Principal. Every bone in my body is against this - the paperwork, the long hours, the POLITICS! But I woke up thinking about it. And oddly enough it has stuck with me through the day. Weird.
On another note, I also watched the movie See Jane Date - it was on the Hallmark channel this morning (Bethany if you are reading this - it's the reason I skipped yoga..). It's a funny movie, good to watch on TV while you're doing something else. But it shared many of my opinions and experiences with friends and strangers on being single. I just found it ironic since I just spouted off the other day. So I found the movie to be funny and fantastic. Plus Jane had some really great friends! But it's just a movie - I would never expect my friends to be so hands on with my love life.
Now to ponder:
I wonder when I will be less sensitive to all the comments? I wonder if I will turn into the married girl that just talks about it all the time in front of her single friend? I wonder when I'll stop analyzing everything?
I've been riding on the gratitude wagon this summer, but tonight I totally fell off of it. I can't think of anyone that would be real open to listening to me at 10:51pm on a work night - so I'm going to spout it all here. Please know that it isn't a personal attack on anyone who reads my blog. Get ready...
*I am tired and saddened by friends who treat me like I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship. If you are my friend, then you know that I've been in them and that they were passionate and full (painful and educational). And I think that if you could measure passion, I would have loved harder in my small experience than most couples around me. If you are indeed my friend, then you know that I am around people who are in relationships and married everyday (how many weddings have I been in???!!!). While I may not be married, I sure don't listen to married people with a deaf ear - I am a good friend. I listen and learn and KNOW the problems you are having/have/had. It is not necessary to shove my face in it and rub it around.
*Just to be clear - I am not stupid.
*I know that I'm pretty unattached. Rather than treat me like a leper for it, you should celebrate it. You have a friend that is there when you call, when you want to go out, when you want to come over, when you are upset, when you are mad at your husband.....should I go on? Don't expect to have all that in my friendship if you shun me one minute, and then need me the next. I won't be there. It's also not nice to exclaim to everyone that I'm pretty unattached, if you do feel the need, please exclaim it in the right way to single men. Push me up, not down!
*I know that a lot of people want me to find a mate, and it will come - in my time. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't. You want to know how I feel about these things, then ask. I'll gladly talk about it. It's something I think about daily. It's not necessary to take me out and give me a pep talk.
*Just to be clear - I am not a child.
*Yes, I have feelings and sometimes they aren't pretty ones. If I feel the need to discuss them and expose my flaws, count yourself lucky. I don't talk about them with everyone, and if I've chosen you, there's a reason why - treasure it, don't trash it.
*Be grateful. I know there are times in our lives where we are not as grateful as we should be. We take things for granted that sometimes need our attention. Once in a while, it would be nice, to know that our friendship is important and that me always being there means something to you. I will also try to be better about this. It's one of my areas of focus in my life.
sigh.
When it comes down to it, I think there are times where people just make me feel like the odd man out - and I don't like it. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not a freak. I'm not carrying around a lot of baggage. I'm not abnormal.
I know that I bring some of this on myself. I see the whole picture and I know that I am not communicating that here. Recently, I couldn't stand up for myself in person, so I'm doing it on here.
And some of you wondered why I haven't been blogging....
It's been so long. I made it through the end of the school year and have transitioned into Summer School.
I've done a lot of reflecting lately. This last year was rough. It was beyond challenging emotionally. But I made it, in one piece. I've done a lot of growing up. And out of that, here's my reaffirmation:
I have the ability to become the person I want to be. I have set goals to become, and lived the journey into it, only to realize I want something else. In which, I say to myself, I have the ability to become the person I want to be.
I have been on a new journey for about a year. I can feel myself growing into the person I want to become. It's exciting.
