Pending some reviews - here's my essay for Oprah

I need dating help. I’m having trouble finding and meeting men in my 30’s that are around my age. Recently, all my dates have been from some internet dating sites, seems to be the only place to find a date for 30 something’s in middle America. I keep an open mind and try and date anyone that is interested. I have horrific stories to prove it. However, my dating stories certainly make for entertaining conversation when my married friends have me over for dinner. But I’m sick of being the single person in my group of friends, and my biological clock is ticking, I’m surprised you can’t hear it from there.

Here’s what I’m sick and tired of: being the girl who has the worst date stories, hearing, “Thank God I don’t date anymore, I don’t think I could do it,” hearing, “you’ll find your mate,” having to pimp myself out to people I’ve just met. What does that mean, you ask? Well, my conversation starters for new coworkers or strangers usually begin with, “Hey, I’m single, do you or your husband know anyone? Well, keep me in mind if you do meet a single guy.”

In thinking about this essay, I realized that I have only been set up once. Just once, and it was by one of my mom’s friends. Of course it didn’t go anywhere. The guy didn’t even call me. I don’t know why. And I don’t know why more people haven’t set me up. My friends (including friends husbands) always say, “Well, I know some single guys or a single guy, but there’s a reason he is single. I wouldn’t want to set you up with him.” Which leads me to wonder, what is wrong with me? Why am I still single at 33?

I think about this far too often, every time I look in the mirror, every time I see a couple walk down the street, or in the mall, or in a store. What is wrong with me? So after deciding to write this essay, I went out in search of the answer to this question. I was hoping to hear that I am awkward, or socially incompetent, or too shy. But the reality is I am none of those things. I am social, and easy to talk with, and don’t really believe in strangers (everyone is a potential friend). So my findings were, well, in a word infuriating. I asked everyone I could find, from total strangers to my very best and closest friend, “Why do you still think I’m single at 33?” Simply put, most people don’t think I get out there and date enough. In my mind, I’m screaming, “WHERE DO I FIND ALL THESE DATES TO GO ON?”

All of my close friends are married. My wing-gals were taken hostage by domesticated life. They traded nights out for nights in, and then came the babies. Everyone is having babies. And unless I meet new friends (which feels ridiculous at 33), or go out by myself (loser!) my days/nights of meeting boys out and about are o-v-e-r. Oh wait, there is internet dating. What a novel idea!

Internet dates are like tripping up the stairs. You step out with your best foot forward. You’re ready to create meaningful conversation, enjoy the night secretly hoping he’s the one and then it happens. He trips you up by talking about himself the whole time, small talk includes asking you about your sexual preferences, and making sure your tab is split at the end of the night. I live in middle America. I live in a bigger city and am not surrounded by cows and corn and people chewing on wheat. So, you would think it would be a single gal friendly place, but I am finding that it’s single friendly if you are, like early 20-something. Dating in my 30’s has proven harder than about anything I’ve done. I have to rely on the internet to meet people (see above paragraph about close friends). Each time I’m excited for that first date, but so far all I’ve done is fall up the stairs, proverbially speaking. But, fortunately – so far – I’ve always gotten back up, dusted myself off, and walked out with my head held high.

At this point I don’t really know what keeps me hoping to find someone. I wish I knew how to find the kind of man I’m looking for. I want to be able to know what club to join, or what organization to volunteer for or internet dating site that will point me to Mr. Just Right for ME. I am hoping that this show can help me to know what I need to do for myself to find dates that have meaningful conversation, and excitement.

And just for your entertainment, here is one of my less risqué worst date stories *names changed:
It was a spring night in Kansas City, MO. I had agreed to meet kc_myk* , or Mike. We both like to travel and cook. Mike suggested we go to a bar and grill located between the two of our residences. We aren’t meeting until late, 9pm, suggested by Mike. So I ate dinner and got ready for the first date. It was a causal place, so I wore jeans, a nice short sleeved purple top and really great silver heels. I was excited for the new possibility. We met inside and sat down. He said he was getting dinner and mentioned several times that I should get something to eat too. He even went as far to say that he is uncomfortable eating by himself. Mike ordered the messiest burger on the menu. So for the next 40 minutes, I listened to stories about his family, his travels, and the friends he met on the travels all while bits of bbq pork sandwich were coming out of his mouth. Occasionally he would stop to sip on his beer. On top of his disgusting eating habits and talking about himself, the bar and grill was loud and there was a party of drunk people sitting near us which made me lean in closer in order to try and listen to what he had to say about himself. I kept a napkin close by in case anything flung from his mouth in my direction (which it did). Finally, around the time a band started setting up right next to us, he said, “well enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. How often do you like to have sex when you are in a relationship?” I prayed for some kind of distraction so I could get out of there, and soon enough the band started and I said my good bye. Needless to say, I did not answer his calls when he called me a week later.