Today

Today.......

I took an allergy pill at 7AM which made me sleepy and slept till 10AM

I had breakfast with my Aunt Peg, Uncle John and family

I found plethora of fleas on Maggie

I bought $50 (which I don't have) of flea ridding stuff for outside, inside, and the animals.

I sprayed the outside for fleas and other such pests

I deodorized the carpet with this stuff for fleas

I put flea and tick stuff on both Maggie and Maizey

I found out what kept attracting the ants - damn marshmallows.

I checked on Speedy (my gerbil) and he was dead

I wrote a blog about all the stuff I had done today.

Now I am going to bury my gerbil. It is the last of my rodent adventure with my students.
Rest in peace, Speedy. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better life.

Snapping Turtles

This Is what is currently in my bottom pond....If you click on the second picture, it gets bigger and you can see the bohemuth's head. It was about the size of my fist.




Just an update - I haven't found him since Friday night - so I think he must have escaped the lower pond and headed elsewhere. I am not sure where or if he's in the top pond or anything, but I hope he is gone!

$$

I hate money. I hate paying bills. I hate not having very much money left over. I hate actually trying to be financially responsible. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Some positives

I thought a while back that I should write a blog about all the things I have accomplished that I am proud of. This idea came from my realization of how much I have changed over time. I learn from every experience and sometimes others experiences. It would be good to look at how I have changed from them. For this blog - I am putting only positives

1. My openness. In the last 6 years I have really learned how to open up and tell my story. I used to leave parts of it out - not that I am ashamed, but that I worried what others would think. I have really started to own my story. I love that.
2. The ugly side. I have let more people into my inner circle and am not afraid of showing my ugly side. By ugly side - I mean the side you wouldn't show in public. Or the side that normally you reserve for when you are the only one home. More people know that side of me, and the beauty is that I know more people's ugly side. It's the part of a person I want to know.
3. Taking on more responsibility. I own a home. I am secure in my position at work because of my reputation. I look for challenge and meet it face on. I am doing things now I never thought I could do alone, and I am successful.
4. Accepting ownership. I have learned to accept ownership for my actions. This is something I do so that my students can see it first hand (but it's been educational and challenging for me too). We all mess up or make bad decisions and I am proud that I am able to fess up and take ownership for mine.
5. Standing up for myself. In the past I would allow others to use me and walk all over me. I have recently started noticing myself taking a stand and advocating for myself. It's been very empowering. There are times very recently where I have done it and not even had to give myself a pep talk to make it happen.
6. Maturing. I am just starting to actually see myself maturing. I can see it in decisions and everyday choices. I also see it in my thinking process and reactions to others.

6 is a nice even number. I am going to stop there as my dog is outside barking her fool head off and I have a lot of stuff to get going.

Have a good week! It is my last week of summer school, then it's Bonnie's Bootcamp and a vacay to Colorado!

kodak moments

I am a complete sucker for set up photos, especially if there is a prop or muse. I traveled to Clarinda, IA this weekend to visit friends. The girls went to a few bars on Saturday night just to sit around and chat, goosip - or divulge or recent deep secrets. The Ice House had to put in stabilizing poles or something as it was explained to me. Anyhow - that's what they look like (see above pic). I thought it would be funny if we all posed on it - not everyone agreed. I bet they are jealous now though!



Here's my good friends Shannon and Celinda. It's really the summer of old college friends. I love it.

What do I think about while I mow?

I mowed the lawn this afternoon. I think it's interesting what people think about while they mow. Mowing is tedious, and doesn't take much thought - so I think people's minds run amuck. Kodi did a blog about mowing once - I think it was similar to this. But here are 10 things that I thought about while I mowed today:

1. I need a weed whip or some call it a weed eater. I can never get close enough to do that work with a mower.
2. I should spend some time next week weeding the front of the house.
3. I wonder what kind of rashes I will get this time. I am already covered on my left arm with poison ivy from simply trimming the bushes in my yard.
4. (people came to mow the next door) I wish they would offer to weed whip my yard for free.
5. I wonder why I am so poor at relationships. I seriously have not been in enough to be bad at them, but I feel that I lack trust in a partner and so that any relationship is doomed from the beginning.
6. I should look into past life regression. I occasionally blame stupid things on past lives - thus I thought I should see if I really had any and if there really was any blame.
7. I'm going to use cash for everything but bills from now on.
8. I wish my bank were closer and that I didn't have to pay any ATM fees at other atm's except for the one at my bank.
9. If I run over a wasp with the lawn mower will it come up and sting me? What about this bee?
10. OH MY GOD - my cat can kill birds. gross.

all in all is all we all are

Props to Nirvana for the subject line today.

I know that often I tend to dance around my actual feelings - in real life, and on here. Part of the reason I do it on here is because a variety of people read it and, well, sometimes life needs to be censored. I do know that everyone probably has noticed that I've been going through some difficult times lately. I've probably been heading for deep depression, if not already in it, since January. I've had depression for more of my life than I know about (I only started noticing it in high school and then was treated in college to about a year ago). It's not a problem for me. I notice my triggers. I know my cycle. I know when everything is going to happen - usually. I knew in January I was on my way down. I did not know when I would hit the bottom. I hit it this last weekend - as everyone can probably tell from my blogs (they become very emotional). I think I was arriving at the bottom - early last week, but with all the overwhelming emotions from this weekend (reconnected with an old friend that I met in college, went to Maryville and reminisced) it was just too much. I was already on overload before the beautiful reunion and then I just couldn't handle it. And it all came out. Of course at the time I couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong with me and where it was all coming from. But now, in my clear-er mind, I know that it was just the hitting of the bottom. What hitting the bottom does for someone, especially someone with depression or another depressive disorder is allow them to come out of it and give them the sense of hope - like they are rising up out of the ashes and dusting themselves off so they can go on. Today, I arrived at that point, where I can rise up and dust myself off. I am using this moment to my benefit to change my life and become more of the person I set out to be in the beginning. I don't believe that as people, we ever really change from the child within, but life sure does make a person put up obstacles and walls that don't allow you to be you. I have plenty. I am aware of them and know that somehow they keep me from being the person I want to be or used to be (depending on what we're talking about). But I put them up for a reason, so I figure I'll find a reason to take them down someday. Times like this always afford me the moment to take away some of them so I can begin again.

I felt I needed to explain some of my posts lately - and so for now, that is my explanation. Happy Thursday to everyone!

New addition

You'll notice I have a new blog for you all to click to called bartrivia. This is the trivia that I go to sometimes on Wednesday nights. Our team name is 'Hot4teacher'. You'll notice we're pretty good.

The time has come.

I have officially decided to leave the salon, my part-time job. My last day will be June 25th. I will have all of July without interruption. The entire month will be mine. I will do with it what I will. And I cannot wait.

It will happen

If I was a REAL nerd on the computer, I would know how to take a song and get it so I can put it on here and you can hear it. But I don't. And since this band is a KC local band - it's not as easily available to try and figure out... Anyway - I listen to music a lot and wanted to share my song of the moment. You'll have to settle for the lyrics, until I learn how to upload/download/attach the actual song. They do have a myspace page: It's Over! - look it up under music. But they don't have this song on their myspace site. You can also check them out at It's Over! There I think you might be able to listen to the song...I'm really showing my computer idiocy right now and my frustration for not being able to do exactly what I want.

The whole point is that this song sums up some of the relationship issues that I have been encountering lately. And since I mentioned it a few posts ago - I am not going to do match or anything right now, if ever. I have decided that I don't even want to put forth any effort unless it is healthy and good for ME. And internet dating in my experience is neither. So it's out. Dating probably is to. Screw it, I might forever be single. And right now, at this moment, that is OK.

Here's the lyrics.

It will happen

It will get bigger and much meaner
than the day up ahead
And you won't even notice
Cuz' you wish that you were dead

And it will happen more than once in your life
And it will happen more than once in your life

You'll love much stronger than behavior
will allow in the bed
And you'll laugh in the morning
while your neighbor cries instead

And it will happen more than once in your life
And it will happen more than once in your life

And your mind gets what you ask for
Will it be enough?
And your mind gets what you ask for
Will it be enough?

And your mind gets
everything

Don't leave too early in the sunshine
when you know it's getting late
Throw your head up to the sky
until you feel your body wake

And it will happen more than once in your life
And it will happen more than once in your life

And your mind gets what you ask for
Will it be enough?
And your mind gets what you ask for
Will it be enough?

And your mind gets
everything

It's all over having seen it
Are you ready to begin?
And whatever hasn't broken
will become your only friend

And it will happen more than once in your life
And it will happen more than once in your life

-It's Over

Galileo

I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation - but I believe in connections so deep that they have to come from some other time/place. Or maybe that is just how life is. You get a few people who have the understanding and care of someone who knew you for a lifetime. I have those people. Today I am desperately happy to have them.
I am at a crossroads and I am unsure of which way to go. It's nice to have good friends (understatement - they are so much better than good) around while I am deciding.

The Clash has always said it best.

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An if I stay it will be double


For your viewing pleasure.

Thank you for the quote, Eastern Dragon

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive."

-by Anais Nin


My world is full of wonderful, caring, loving, and exceptional friends. Without them, I would be lost. They all bring something different to my world. And the good Lord knows - I need them all.

I spent an amazing weekend with two great friends. At this point, I am exhausted and have few words to express how meaning-full and important our moments together were. But if either of you read this, please know - you bring more to my world than I could ever explain or attempt to convey.


"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin

I throughly enjoy Anais Nin. There are many quotes and passages that have much meaning in my life. But the one above in particular stands out as an insight into my emotional state lately. To expand a tiny bit (because I tend to beat around the bush with this kind of stuff) when I look into the face of a friend, I see myself as they see me. And with my bestests, this can often bring me to tears - because it is very rare that I see myself the way they see me. I memorize those moments so that when I'm in the deepest of depressions they can help me get out of it whether they can physically be there or not.

Thank you to all my good friends, who beknownst to you or not, are always helping out of the deep depression. I love you.

Please, don't vote for this man.

I have 2 issues with this: 1. He's going to veto every bill that has earmarks. A president should READ the bill first, then based on what is best for America - veto it. Also, the earmarks are where we have funding for schools, higher education, fixing our roads. 2. We already have a president who cannot speak publicly - we really don't need another. (and yes, I know about Obama's slip up with 57 states - but think about the lesser of two evils).

(CNN) – John McCain issued a promise Tuesday that may cause a bit of unrest with a broad swath of voters:

He'll veto every single beer?

In a slip of the tongue while railing against excessive earmarks at the National Small Business Summit in Washington, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee inadvertently pledged to veto the popular alcoholic beverage.

Watch McCain's slip of the tongue

"I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every single beer — bill with earmarks," he said, as rumblings from the crowd could be heard. "And every single bill that we have come across my desk I will make them famous. I will veto them, you will know their names."

It's not entirely surprising McCain has beer on the brain: his wife, Cindy, is heiress to her father's Arizona beer distribution company, Hensley and Company, one of the largest distributors in the U.S., for which she now serves as chairman.

update.

I have not had much to write - nor do I now, but I thought maybe I would put an update on here about how my summer is going.

I still really enjoy teaching reg. ed. summer school. The kids have warmed up to me and we are really starting to have fun. I am actually teaching information to students that want to know - a different sort of thing for me. Some of them are really amazing. They are already so smart and intelligent. I really like having conversations with them, they like it too - probably because I don't talk with them like they are 11, even though they are.

I've been spending time cleaning my house because I will be having several house guests this month. I cleaned the carpets with a friend's cleaner - they look great. Best thing I've done so far. I've had a lot of problem with Maggie peeing in the house. I take all the blame because I am hardly home - or was. I found these adult dog pads and have been putting those down for the last few months. But the carpet still had lots of damage from before. I totally expect it to come back after a few weeks, but right now it looks great. And since I've been home more - Maggie hasn't peed in the house at all. It's been nice. Today I am cleaning up the guest bedroom and possibly putting up pictures and wall stuff. I know, I know - I've lived here just short of a year and haven't really gotten to that yet.

I've been pretty annoyed with myself since Friday. I am usually very good about learning my lessons when I do stupid stuff. BUT there are a few lessons that I seem to not be able to learn - or forget them in the moment. I've decided that I don't really like the direction my life is heading. I am committing to cut down on the drinking and even the going out. I am probably going to try the internet dating again, even though I still have reservations about that. I just want to see my life go in a different direction. I also want to take a little better care of myself. It's just time to kick my butt again and refocus. So essentially that is what I'm doing.

Maure - we must have been on the same page yesterday because I was thinking about you and sent you and the baby something and then later I got your message. I will try you sometime this week and hopefully we'll be able to connect. I know that baby is going to come soon.

The Gap Band

This is currently in my backyard, in the bottom 'pond'. Beautiful. I love that about my house.

I have this song in my head: You've dropped a bomb on me, baby...you've dropped a bomb on me. (that's the lyrics I sing anyway) It's by The Gap Band.

My rant: I'm done with the rain. I need no more. I'm tired of always being at the salon when these crazy storms blow through and then having to drive home through them. I don't need anymore mugginess, humidity (hello...hair!), or water in my yard.

My rave: new sheets for my room! They are cute and will brighten up my room.

Happy day to everyone!

A new addiction..

like I needed another addiction - but I found these. And they are lovely! So yummy and good. I'm sure they are okay and good for you in moderation. Of course, I struggle with moderation and ate like 5 handfuls tonight at work. They are delicious though.

Other news:
Summer school is great. I love teaching reg ed. It is refreshing.

stuff

Last weekend - which seems like it was a year ago - I went on a School's Out FLoat Trip. Just a handful of people - mostly teachers I hang out with outside of school and some significant others. We had a great time. I do think in the future that camping one night and Super 8-ing it the next is the best bet. I really wanted a good shower and a clean toilet with t.p. after the float trip. Anyway - I'm including a photo of it. We had just been clothes-lined by a tree and I got pushed off the boat. So here I am laying down on the boat - trying to calm down. It was a very traumatic event.





On another note - at this current moment I have no rashes or poison ivy - hooray for that.

Last night I had a really good beer. Every one that reads this, first - knows I like beer and second (which you might not know) but there are times where I'd rather date a beer than a man. This is one such beer. And while it wasn't necessarily 'love in a glass' as I like to call it - it was a good one night stand - it's HopSlam by Bell's. It's a really enjoyable beer (IPA for those knowledgeable). I am still thinking about it today - so I wanted to put it out there in case anyone was brave enough to try it.

Back to work

Surprising as it may seem, I am very happy to be back to work. I'm teaching 5/6 Math/Science Enrichment for summer school this year. (no sped - hooray) I only work 7:30-12:30. It's a pretty good gig.

Tonight I am going to see Sex in the City - the Movie! I'm very stoked about it.

Happy Friday!

stipend

Just because I ranted on here about it: I got a letter from the gov that said that I was to be awarded a federal stipend and that it would be coming to me May 30. Hooooray for free money.

My 4 days of total freedom

If you wondered at all what I have been/will be doing on my 4 days of total freedom, here are some images that describe it: